Attempt 2 (stupid internet connection blacking out):

I was very afraid to go on meds too. I had to have a friend talk to me on the phone while I took my first lithium. But over time meds have made an enormous difference. I hate them sometimes and they don't always work but I have a constant mixed episode with frequent dysphoric mania so any help is good help.

I've been on all the atypicals but 2 I think (that I can't take because of allergies or interactions) and just started my 2nd AP (I was on Seroquel and now am on loxapine as well) in the last 2 weeks. My hope is that I will be able to lower my Seroquel dose and get off the mood stabilizers I'm on. The time I was best ever I was just on an AP, lithium and an AD, and klonopin and I'd love to get back to that with the addition of the 2nd AP.

I went through all the atypical APs pretty quickly because of bad reactions/allergies. I did not want to take Seroquel because I'd worked in a place where it was misused and I was afraid of it. When I finally had to go on it I discovered it was the most effective med I'd been on. When I had Emsam added I did great for a long time.

For me sedating APs have worked best. Actually sedating meds have worked best except for my very stimulating AD (which means I need to have the ability to have a lot of sedation from my other drugs).

I won't go through my history of experiences because I don't want to scare you since you are unlikely to have any of the same reactions. (The same reason reading reviews isn't good along with the fact that people are more likely to post negative reviews than positive). But I did need to try a number of meds to find the one that worked well.

I'm surprised that your dr. is avoiding depakote and lithium since those are very standard and well-trialed meds. But they do require frequent labs in the beginning and that might be the reason she wants to avoid it.

I'm glad she is giving you input into the decision. That's a sign of a good dr. I try to base most of my decisions on what my pdoc says, what my therapist says if he knows the med well enough to have an opinion, and drug profiles (which I'm not allowed to read anymore; I'm supposed to rely on my pdoc. Sometimes I"m better than others at this). I will ask on here but even with trusting people here I try to remember that people have really different experiences and beliefs. There are people on here who are able to refuse any meds that cause weight gain; while I'd love to do that I have mostly only benefitted from weight gain meds (although my new AP is causing weight loss so far which is awesome).

I hope you are able to make a decision you feel very comfortable with and that you do well on whatever med you choose.