Note: Big trigger (SA)

I went on a date on Friday night and my date (a woman) got really drunk and sexually assaulted me. I said no and pushed her away, but she kept on going. I was fighting her off but I was losing the struggle, and then there was this moment where I just froze-- like I gave up-- because I just felt like I didn't matter and what happens to me doesn't matter. I had a flashback to a previous incident where something similar happened to me, and it paralyzed me. After a moment, I snapped out of it, and I fought back again. I finally got her off of me, but it was "too late." I was bleeding, I had bruises, and I'd been violated.

The next morning, I called my best friend and I called my sister and I told them what happened. My best friend told me it was my fault because I must have given her "signals" that I was interested-- and he made a joke about it. My sister told me she was too busy to listen to me talk about it anymore because she just got back from a vacation with her boyfriend and needed to unpack. She said she would call me later, but she never did. Before she hung up though she did question whether it was really "that bad" because wasn't the other woman pretty? Wasn't I somewhat interested? No, I was not! They both gave me the impression that, because my date was female, it somehow didn't count. That's really messed up.

The whole experience has left me feeling like no one cares about me, and I don't matter. I've had things like this happen to me before, and no one cared about me back then-- when I was 16, or when I was in my early 20s. I thought that, as adult, I could make my own way in life, and built up the kind of support system I didn't have as a child or teenager. But, clearly, I have failed to do that. I like who I am and I think I have a lot to offer-- the problem is that the world doesn't seem to agree with me. My friends and family don't care and, clearly, I'm single and not meeting the kind of partner who would care about me.

It's really hard to hear all of my friends, family members, and even my T talk about their relationships, and all of the great things they get to do with their partners. All of the surprise gifts, trips, and little things that their partners do just to say "I love you" and "I hope you have a good day." I'm putting myself out there and going on dates because I want those things, too. But, in trying to meet someone and build that kind of a relationship-- instead, I'm getting the thing that happened to me. It just makes me feel like I'm not worth as much as they are. I don't think I should feel that way-- but I do. I don't understand why my lot in life is different from theirs, and I don't know what I can do differently to achieve different results. But this experience has just made me feel like it's hopeless. My sister is the one who made me feel the worst. I've spent hours listening to her talk about her amazing boyfriend (and support her when previous boyfriends have broken up with her), but she can't be bothered to spend more than five minutes listening to what happened to me and she didn't make any effort to try and make me feel better. Why doesn't anyone in my life care that this happened to me? Other people might talk to their parents, but I don't have a mom and, when something like this happened to me when I was 16 (by a man) and I told my dad, he didn't care. So there is no reason to tell him this time; I already know how he would react. He would change the subject and ignore me, like he did last time.

I will tell my T about it during our next appointment, and I think she will care, but it doesn't feel like it's "enough" that my T cares about me. I want people in my "real life" to care about me, too. I don't understand why people seem to care so much when this happens to other people but, when it happens to me, they don't care. I don't understand why other people don't seem to think that I'm worth anything or that I matter, too. It's really hard to feel so alone. It makes me feel like: "What's the point of trying anymore?" With friends and family, or with dating. I've spent my whole life trying to build up a network of people, where the caring and support can go both ways. I just don't know why it hasn't worked.