I've never had a real boyfriend because my parents were very religious and strict. I've met guys online and spoke to them through my phone. I avoided meeting them because I know I could never explain to my parents that I was going out with a boy. I've met a few but I was very stand offish. I barley spoke and was extremely nervous. This guy I met in school expressed interest in me, he wasn't so attractive but we spoke a lot and I eventually grew feelings for him. We would hang out with groups of friends. The first time he tried to hold me I freaked out and was super uncomfortable. The first time we hung out alone I was in his room and couldn't move from my spot. When I left he tried to kiss me but I couldn't look at him. I was afraid maybe my breathe would stink. Moving on I dumped him because I didn't feel ready for a relationship. Soon enough I got involved with a guy online. He was far enough from me that he didn't really ask to see me. We spoke every night. I think I loved him. But he wasn't a virgin and always wanted to talk about sex. He sort of opened me to that world. It was very uncomfortable for me because I was a virgin. I've always had this idea that all he wanted from me was sex. He would get very frustrated with me because I held back a lot and was verbally abusive. We'd fight, break up and back together again. That went on for years until we finally met. When he tried to kiss me I would close my lips and move my face in every direction so he wouldn't kiss me. All I could think about when he touched me was how ugly and fat I was. It was a extremely awkward first experience for me. Later on we would meet more frequently I would give him oral and leave, I wouldn't let him touch me. I was very persistent that I wanted to stay a virgin because I was saving myself for my husband and premarital sex is a sin. When we broke up, I found another guy to replace him. Again, it was the same thing. I wouldn't let him kiss me and I felt as stiff as ever. It was a one time thing but I swore off guys for a while. My third encounter was with a guy who was as emotionally damaged as me. It was fun with him, even though I had no feelings for him and still had reluctance to do anything. He walked me through everything and made me feel safe. We talked through it and showered me with compliments. It was a great experience. I still find myself going back to my "first love", trying to figure out why it never worked out. Every time I see him, my sole mission is to satisfy him. I feel like I'll never be good enough. Id have to be alone to satisfy myself and mostly from porn.

I'm 21 years old and technically still a virgin. It worries me if I find my true love it'll still be the same. I crave love and affection but at the same time I don't want it. I want to be touched and kiss but I'm also repulsed by it. Will I ever be comfortable enough to be with someone? Did I distort my view on sex from watching porn? Have I built up this big thing around my virginity and that's why I don't want anyone? Is there something wrong with me?

Thanks for reading.