Ok, I'm basically writing this to be getting it off my chest, because deep down I know that I can't be fixed. But I have to find a way to accept that this is my life, so I'm trying to accept it.

I don't even know where to start...well, I'm a single choice, because my parents couldn't afford a second one, but that never bothered me at all. I am loved by my parents, they were always supportive of anything I did even when I made the most stupid choices like moving to another country for 6 months, because I was under the impression I had to do this for my CV.

What I can tell you about me is that I always felt like it was normal for everyone else to be in a relationship or to even like someone, but it wasn't for me. My parents don't say anything to me about my failed love life. The only thing that has come up recently was when I complained to my mom about how little money I make and how little I can afford, because I do not have that second income all of my friends have. She said: "Well get a boyfriend then!"

To be absolutely honest I don't think anyone, including my parents, see my as the type of person that is worthy of a relationship.

My parents keep bad mouthing my female friends' choices regarding husbands and boyfriends and I have always thought: "Ok then I'll never introduce you to anyone, because I don't want you bad mouthing my choice, too." I brought that up once and my mother said she would never do that. I guess her bad mouthing I just her way of compensating the fact that her daughter never had a boyfriend or even went on a date.

I don't have any friends at all, I am overweight for 8 years now (I went from 135 to 245 - people tell me I look overweight but not like 245 whatever that means), I haven't gone out for 5 years and I have no intention of going out.

I can't do online dating, because I don't want my picture on the internet after having had bad experiences with it as a teenager.

None of that were conscious decisions, it just happened.

Right now I feel like I have gotten to a point where it's simply pointless to even try to get better for myself, because no one was interested in me when I was normal looking and of course no one is interested in a 245pounds me.

And I wanna spare myself of the embarrassment of having to admit to someone that I know as much about relationships as a 12 yr old.

At the same time I have become super afraid of having to live alone.

So any tips on the road to accepting my path are welcome!