So, I thought I found my real self by giving in to this fetish, but instead I lost myself. Yes, it's been something on my mind for a long time as I said in my o.p. In giving in to it I don't know what the hell I was thinking. Except that as I suspected, or denied, it was a manic phase. I didn't think a manic phase would last so long, but apparently I was wrong there too.

I've got to take this weight off. I am uncomfortable, and I do not like the way I look. This is not me. It may be OK for other guys, and I do think husky chunky bearish guys are hot, but this is not me. The problem is that I've said these words before, to myself and to my therapist. This is going to sound crazy (no pun intended), but I do have a genetic anomaly that makes it difficult for me to learn from my mistakes. I had a personal DNA test done to find out my genetic and ancestral migratory history... fascinating results. In one of the reports I found a particular gene sequence listed (edited down):

rs1800497(T;T) A1/A1: Bad at avoidance of errors. ... Increased obesity; less pleasure response; Bupropion ineffective; ... Men have 0.25x reduced risk of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder but higher risk of ADHD. ... Reduced response to errors and increased addictive behavior ...

OK, so I blame my genes. Seriously, due to this I have to try even harder. This ties in with my all-or-nothing mentality. Either I let myself go and become really fat or I try to get a ripped body, neither of which works for me. So whatever happened to the Middle Path the Buddha spoke of. No, I'll never be ripped; ironically I don't want to be. But I don't have to let myself become uncomfortable and in my eyes, unattractive.

Today starts clean up of the diet... not crash or fad, just sensible, and getting more serious about my workouts. Thanks for listening.