Thanks again for replies.

So in my individual therapy session last week - I shared some of the texts that the girl and I sent back and forth to one another. My therapist looked teary eyed and said she understands how I would be confused and left wondering what happened... Personally I think my individual therapist (whom the girl and I share) advised the girl to stop communicating with me. This thought hurts me a lot. It destroys what little trust I have in my therapist...

Last week in group the girl did not show up... It got to me. I had mixed emotions about her absence and told myself it's because I am a horrible person... At the end of group I cornered the group facilitators and asked if her absence was my fault. But even if it was my fault - why would they tell me? I'm sure they know it would hurt me to know the girl is skipping group because of me and that it would cause me enormous amounts of shame and guilt... They quickly said no... However my psychiatrist (one of the facilitators) said the girl stopped talking to me because I was sharing information about self harm. We did indeed talk about self harm - but I was not the first to bring up the topic and both of us mutually shared information about all topics. It was not one sided in the least. But it still made me angry hearing this from my psychiatrist because now I get the idea that I need to prove myself to the DBT team and get out of the spotlight for appearing like a 'typical dude.' I read through all the text messages and in all honesty I cannot discern what happened that led to her not wanting to talk anymore... But that insecurity that maybe I hurt her or offended her in some way just eats me up inside. I have learned nothing from this because she literally did not tell me there was a problem... Perhaps there wasn't a problem that I was bringing to the table - perhaps her decision was entirely due to her own issues - but I do not like that idea for the sake of learning and of comforting myself when anxiety strikes...

Tomorrow is group. I have not heard or sent any messages back and forth. I hope she is there...

Halliebeth87: I think now I would prefer it to be that way. Our DBT clinic said they have removed the limits because they think it would be a good experience to get to know and interact with fellow borderlines outside of group. They said they had those limits in place in the past but the group members felt like they were treated as children and sought each other out anyways.

Seeker101: I took your advice and prepared for the last group. The girl did not show up. It was probably for the best but it still got to me. I will be preparing for tomorrow and using skills. Thank you for the reminder! The whole idea of tolerating until our comfort level is exceeded is so true. I sort of felt like that was happening but then again the girl would text me out of the blue if I did not text her first. It was a mutual desire to connect and share and whatnot. I think if anything - she may have felt this way on the final day (indicative by fewer and shorter replies) but that is entirely up in the air because she still didn't say anything about it... I know I put up with people all the time until I can no longer handle it. Haha. We both can raise our hands there. But this just seemed strange because it was via texting. And she did say no. She was assertive and did state her feelings and limits at times. It was very strange to me and something still doesn't sit right. I wish I could share the entire text log and get some advice!

Kimiya: those list of things that borderline sufferers do rings so loud and true. Thanks for sharing that. I appreciate the reminder that making friends with fellow borders can be a recipe for disaster.

I have another friend from high school in my group. And an issue arose last week after group that I really do not like.

So she went on vacation for two weeks. She got back and went into hospital during a group session. She and I texted back and forth and I told her that I would come and see her in the hospital... However, upon thinking things through I discovered that the best course of action would be to NOT associate with her outside of groups because of how sensitive and vulnerable she was at the time... She was at last weeks group and afterwards she had an individual session. I decided to sit and talk with her for a few minutes. I apologized for not seeing her in hospital and let her know that I did not mean to offend her if I did. She then gave me a package of chocolates from her vacation! This did not sit right with me... I felt like she was thinking too much about me and that it was a sign of unhealthy behavior. Like this was very kind to do BUT I felt like it was too much and it totally crossed my boundaries. I took them to be polite but I don't think I will eat them as I don't want to associate too much emotion towards her... Anyways - then she got up and said she had to use the bathroom - totally a mixed message to me - like she was telling me to get lost - so I took it upon myself to say goodbye and then out of nowhere she said she wants a hug. I was so uncomfortable! This is strange because I have an inner need and strong desire to be hugged... But this just crossed my boundaries big time. I said no - but she followed me a ways and then I said okay and we quickly and shortly made a hug. That was that. It was very insightful to me. If this is anything like how my therapists feel when I ask them for hugs then I understand. She was so clingy it turned me away and made me feel like running away and never looking back... Interestingly enough - I sent her some texts after and told her I would never hug her again. I also made some plans to potentially go see a movie sometime with her and I told her it probably wasn't a good idea. I think I might have hurt her feelings but I know for a fact that she totally misinterpreted my efforts to be kind and polite during her time in hospital as something more. I will not blame her for this because I should have known it would happen...

For some reason I feel disgusted with myself. I can't get this idea out of my head that the DBT clinic perceives me as this typical dude that goes after vulnerable women. But that's not at all how it is! This girl I went to high school with and she approached me, the other girl gave me her number and approached me too. I never did the reaching out.

Anyways. Thanks for the replies and I will keep you updated.

Thanks,
HD