Sorry to bring my guilt and shame up again, but the Jolly Roger is taking on lots of water and I am drowning in emotions.

I deal with a lot of shame over something, every moment of every day.

A friend and I got in a fight over a year ago. We both said very regrettable and hurtful things, and now this friend will no longer speak to me.

I wish I could just pick a lane and stay in it. I am angry about what happened, but I feel so much guilt over what I said and what I did in reaction to it. I can't make a move towards taking care of either emotion. When I try to deal with the hurt and the anger, I get depressed because I know I did so many bad things. When I try to deal with the guilt, it hurts so much, I get angry, anxious and defensive. I fake my way through every interaction with my family and friends. I can usually pretend to be happy and laugh with others, but not always. The anger is actually spilling over into my other relationships now.

What do I do, since I can't make any amends to my friend? I am not so much obsessed with this person, but setting things to rights HAS become an obsession, which I can't do anything about because communication is impossible.

Any ideas?

Thanks

Killian