Hi Killian Hook,

Sounds like you're trying to deal with a lot of things right now.......the loss of your friend, the guilt, the depression and all the other things that go along with it

But what you said at the time well......"We both said very regrettable and hurtful things".......it wasn't just you, it was a combination of things, right??
And you know, some friendships can stay strong through/despite so much.........it more sounds that this friendship maybe wasn't as strong as it could have been??
So do you think that now might be a good time to focus on friendships/relationships that really/could really matter in your life?? Try not to let that past friendship take those away from you??
And the faking your way through.......pretending to be happy..........you know maybe if you let out the way you're actually feeling to some of those people they might want to know, to be there for you, do you think??

And as for not being able to make amends.........well I'd say you still need some kind of closure........so maybe write a letter (even if you can't send it) saying how you feel, maybe do something like donating to a charity they might have had an interest in even to signify how you feel, maybe something in their honour like "a random act of kindness" just something/anything to help you a little with closure.

And some work on forgiving yourself, of course
The things you did/said probably weren't ALL ABOUT hurting that person............maybe you felt hurt, maybe there were things in your life.........
And you're clearly a very caring person deep down for this to be bothering you so much........so perhaps now is about time you turned that in on yourself and gave yourself some forgiveness, do you think??



Alison