Thank you guys for your feedback and support. I got brave and send T email ( which I am allowed to do). She never answers as a rule but at least she knows what is happening.
I know rationally that my feelings are not really objective and that my T probably doesn´t view me any worse now. It is just that even I know this with my brain my feelings are still pretty convinced and are quite intense no matter how I reason with myself or how I try to stay calm. I guess I will just have to experience it and maybe then it gets better.

QuietMind I am glad you went to your session and could experience that your T is proud of you. Often we are much harder on ourselves then others are.

Red75 I am sorry you are also going through hard times with this and I hope your T can give you enough support and encouragement to get on the right track and feel better soon.

Very nice to see you again Tinyrabbit. It has been a while. I don´t come here much either. Hope you are well and things are looking up for you. Are you still in therapy? With the same T ?