"I went on a date on Friday night and my date (a woman) got really drunk and sexually assaulted me. I said no and pushed her away, but she kept on going. I was fighting her off but I was losing the struggle, and then there was this moment where I just froze-- like I gave up-- because I just felt like I didn't matter and what happens to me doesn't matter. I had a flashback to a previous incident where something similar happened to me, and it paralyzed me. After a moment, I snapped out of it, and I fought back again. I finally got her off of me, but it was "too late." I was bleeding, I had bruises, and I'd been violated."

I am so sad this happened to you. You certainly didn't deserve it. Sometimes we forget that freezing is another reaction to trauma...fight or flight typically come to mind. The fact that you fluctuated between different responses is actually normal. Because you had experienced an assault at an earlier time, all the same feelings have resurfaced. Now you have piggyback emotions which make the assault feel even worse.

"The next morning, I called my best friend and I called my sister and I told them what happened. My best friend told me it was my fault because I must have given her "signals" that I was interested-- and he made a joke about it."

Our culture is so screwed up concerning sexual assault. We are very much into victim blaming. In no other crime are we questioned about our own culpability. If your house is broken into and robbed, no one asks what you could have done differently to prevent your items from being stolen. If your car is vandalized, the cops don't ask if you are sure the smashed window is really a result of vandals and not something you did.

You were sexually assaulted. Being violated by a woman is not somehow less serious than being violated by a male. And you were not assaulted because you were somehow sending subtle signals to the perpetrator. Please do not let anyone place the blame on you, not one iota.

I know there are times in my life when I have felt victimized. My reaction has been to drag every negative thought I have ever had about myself right down on my head. I know you have a good therapist who can help you sort through the crapola that has been ignited by the assault.

Take gentle care,

Sabra