I've just been to see a pdoc for the first time and to be honest it went terribly. I feel even more unsure about myself and my feelings.

She went through the basic questions and I told her about my social anxiety and anxiety in general. She asked me for some reason about giving presentations and I told her how awful they were for me when I did have to do them. I dont have to do them anymore so I dont know why it was relevant. Then at the end of the appointment she said I could try joining a toastmasters club to practice...?? Which I would never do but it doesnt even matter because I wont be doing any in the near future.

When we talked about my depression it seemed as though she didnt think it was that bad... that I wasnt "in too bad of a depressive state". I felt kind of passed off with this. I struggle to be happy every day and this has been going on for 10 plus years. I have thoughts of suicide lately and I struggle with self harm. I literally hate myself everyday. It seems as though because I am sleeping okay and still going to work nobody really thinks it's serious? I'm tired of feeling nothing, avoiding emotions and being numb all the time.

When we spoke about medication it seemed like she kind of left it to me. She said I could try increasing the Wellbutrin and see how that works... and if the anxiety doesnt get better through exercise and a good diet you could try adding an SSRI to the mix. Is she not supposed to actually offer up a recommendation? Maybe she just thinks I'm overreacting and things arent that bad.

I just feel defeated and like there is no point to this anymore. Maybe I am just destined to living a life feeling blah all the time and thats normal and thats just me. Im so frustrated and I just want to give all this up. I guess I will just go on living like was before floating through life trying not to feel anything because it's too hard.