yeah. especially when i tried to fix myself or make my own life better for myself (not for anyone else, but for myself), i wonder. then again, it could be the depression doing this. or the depression's memory retention issues. or the medication side effects making me foggy-headed in the present. it's weird, for sure, remembering all the stuff in my life, even the good memories and wonderful people, that seems unreal and not my own memories. i don't know if that's a result of the changing through so many facets of depression and medications. when i asked my pdoc about it, he said that trauma can do this, since i had been raped as a child. but, i've worked through all the issues i've had in my life over the years, so my past don't cause me much problems. ptsd is very rare for me nowadays, which is only once or twice a year. i was really proactive about my mental health well-being over the years by reading self-help books and stuff that really helped me. with therapists, i miss out too much because of my profound deafness, so that's why i took my mental health issues into my own hands. thanks to albert einstein's proactiveness in his own education that inspired me to do that. anyway, i have wonderful memories that i wish i could recall with more clarity, but they're so cloudy - memories of my grandpa who died 4 years ago, my pets that passed away in my life, relatives i haven't seen for years. all those memories are becoming so freaking transparent that i feel like i'm losing my memories. i still remember, but it feels like it's all going to go away. there are special people i absolutely don't want to forget. i write those memories down, but it doesn't feel like it's going to be enough.