My H brought up the fact that I wanted to talk about stuff, and I was like, "So, not quite ready for that, let's talk about other stuff for a few." Seeing my MC just made me want to be like, "OK, never mind, I'm good," but really I needed to talk about the stuff. So maybe 15 minutes in, MC was like, "OK, so you had some stuff to discuss about the last visit?" I said I'd thought I was OK last Monday, but then during the week had some weepy moments in the car or shower or, most recently, at a concert. I mentioned an e-mail I'd sent him last week (was an aha! moment I had related to our Monday session) and how I had been unsure whether to send it because I was afraid he'd misinterpret it as looking for reassurance. Then I started sobbing and said that I was afraid to ask him about anything right now because he might think it was looking for reassurance and push me away more. He just said it was OK to talk about anything and share anything. I was surprised that when I started crying my H actually reached over and briefly rubbed my shoulder--he usually just does nothing when I'm emotional.

MC asked how much I thought what I was feeling had to do with his and my relationship specifically compared with stuff in my past. I said I figured most of it was stuff in my past, and I wanted to figure that out, and that's what I really want to meet with him about, not just the reasssurance stuff.

I then, still sobbing, addressed the "my door is always open to you" thing with MC, where he'd told me that a few months ago in our second individual session and seemed to be saying it was open to me (like for individual sessions in the future). I said I felt that when he said that it was really comforting to me, and now it feels like he's taken that away and so it's hard for me to trust what he says now about that sort of thing. He said that he meant it at the time (a few months ago), but his "thoughts have evolved" a bit that it's probably better for me to just meet with him in joint sessions with my husband instead of meeting individually again. Since if a couple is in therapy together and a T meets with one indivdually some it could interfere with the couples therapy. So at least he addressed it, but I'm still kind of upset about it.

It sounds like he wants to be focusing on H and I as a couple and let my T do the individual thing, which I guess makes sense. But I told him that I wasn't sure I was connecting as well with my T lately (see other thread) and that I just felt like he "got me" more than she does. He said he'd take that as a compliment and it meant a lot to him (and thanked me). But also said he only knew a few T's as good/better than her, and he wasn't one of them. So he wants me to work with her, as he said before, which I said I'd do, but that I wished I could work with him more.

Sounds like it's fine for the most part though if I want to talk about some of my own stuff in our joint sessions, as long as it somehow relates to me and H as a couple. Though really, if I'm struggling with something, it's likely going to affect my marriage, which is what I said. H is pretty much fine with whatever I want to talk about. We also talked about how this transference stuff was affecting my relationship with H. Both H and I agreed that, especially the past few weeks, it's brought us closer together. Like I've been more open with him, and he's been receptive and supportive. Which MC was very happy about.

He also said that having a negative interaction like he and I did is often what leads to progress in therapy. Like experiencing that and working through it helps push things forward. So I was like, "OK, was this all a setup then?" Mostly joking.

MC was saying again how I could have just run away from all this (like decided to stop therapy with him), but I haven't and I've come in and dealt with it, which shows I'm strong. (Or, you know, just totally attached to him, but I didn't say that.) I told him how I hadn't experienced transference with past T's, just with him and my current T, so this is throwing me. (So I wasn't someone that just attached to anyone that seemed caring.) That I'd probably experienced transference with another male authority figure in the past (teacher) but it had been a very long time, so it was hard for me. And he said transference was a way that you can really figure out certain feelings--so maybe for him transference isn't such a negative force after all? Like he seemed to say that feeling the intense emotions helped draw out what I really needed to work on.

I said at the end of the session that I did feel better about things, but that I also thought that last week. And that tends to be a pattern with me in general, where I'm like, "OK, this is fine, then a few days later I'm like, "Wait, no it's not." So MC was like, "Get back to me on Thursday."

So that's the main points of what came out of the session. As we were about to leave, I was like, "So is it OK then if I e-mail you sometimes?" which of course made the tears come a bit more. He said yes, but then was starting to add in some buts, and I was expecting restrictions or something like that, but he just said they were in the process of changing e-mail servers so to be mindful if I get a bounceback or don't hear back it could be because of that. So I was pleasantly surprised that he wasn't like, "Well, you should just e-mail T."

I do feel somewhat better now but still wish he was more open to things like meeting with him. And it would be better if I was seeing T this week, but she's out a couple days and couldn't fit me in. I do see p-doc Friday, but that's really just a med check (wondering if I need something other than Cymbalta, but that's a whole other story...)