Misskeena,

I wish I could explain the whole story. Here is a short version with a lot of it left out...

I was upset with my first DBT therapist and left some very rude voicemails. The next session she abandoned me without warning and I threatened to kill myself. I was escorted to hospital where I was forced to undergo psychological examinations. I said no initially to the tests because it seemed like an invasion on my rights and I demanded to know who was requesting them. Turns out my DBT therapist and the program director had made up some nonsensical document that claimed I was faking borderline and they tried to label me with antisocial personality disorder! (Complete and utter nonsense) So - they made the request for a psych evaluation to be done on me - claiming that my emotional reaction to my therapist abandoning me was all fake, that I had threatened to kill them... (All false)

I will not go into how triggering this was to read on paper... But I attempted suicide in hospital after reading this.

I was mistreated in the hospital because of this. Everyone treated me as though I was a psychopath. They offered no support or validation. Everyone in the hospital was under the spell of this document and it made me absolutely sick and disgusted at the human race and the mental health field. I experienced what it was like to be under the control of the unethical mental health field.

I managed to get my hand on this document by pure luck, otherwise I never would have known what was going on. From this point forward I will be reading every single session document written about me. I was abandoned AND betrayed. I did not fake my illness. I have had borderline for years, hence I was in DBT to begin with. I was convinced that the entire mental health field was corrupt. I did the psychological examinations because they said it was the only way I could get back into DBT - but that there was no promises I would get back in even if I did them...

I was the only one unphased by the results.

Primary Diagnosis: Borderline Personality Disorder
Secondary: Avoidant Personality Disorder with Dependent Personality Disorder traits
Anxiety, depression too, etc.

So - I was referred back into the program. The hospital staff immediately became warm and understanding.

The worst part of this is my family didn't believe this was going on. They invalidated my experience and literally told me to deal with it... That was the most painful of all.

When I got back into DBT - I had an angry outburst in the initial session with my psychiatrist, my newly assigned therapist and the program director. I let them have it. I was fueled with anger and disgust. They knew nothing about me seeing this document they had made - it was all just a mess. Unfortunately I was so angry I told them I should file a lawsuit and have them all investigated by an ethics committee.

That was my mistake... And - it has severely effected my treatment.

So - I requested to hear these voicemails that apparently led to my being abandoned by my first DBT therapist... Apparently they had copies said the program director. A month goes by and finally I say I would like to have copies of them or I will find someone who will get them for me. Program director says we will meet on the next monday and I can listen to them in her office... I show up on the monday and she says she has bad news: she has lost them... They no longer exist. But then she said she has one left. I ask to listen to it - it is a voicemail I left before I saw the terrible document they wrote - where I speak highly of the DBT team and apologize... It was so perfectly coincidental that they only have that ONE specific voicemail - and I just had to laugh. My trust waned.

The reason why this was so bad was that those voicemails weren't that bad. In fact: what I said on those voicemails could have been very bad for the DBT clinic. They were definitely NOT even close to enough for my therapist to abandon me. She was a professional who was trained in dealing with borderline clients - and she works at a DBT clinic that specializes in behavioral modification. I made a mistake leaving voicemails in emotion mind - but all she had to do was tell me not to do it again and give me some form of therapeutic reason not to do it again... It was against everything that DBT stands for. Rightfully she should have warned me - set her limits - and allowed me to learn from my mistakes and taught me how to prevent it from happening again.

Since then, I have caught the DBT clinic breaking the law and seriously messing with my health records. My therapist altered documentation and filed session notes three weeks late so she could, 'selectively,' include only the parts that would stand up in court as defense for the DBT clinic if I happened to file for a lawsuit. Once again, a long story. I caught my therapist doing this. Ever since we have both been guarded and careful with boundaries and developing trust. It's a wonder I can still walk into that building.

My therapist is lying, denies everything - and I have to live with it. They have threatened to kick me out of DBT if I cannot work with my therapist - making it seem as though I am paranoid about all of this! It is absolutely unbelievable.

OH - my new therapist is a psychologist and ever since I began there - she's been trying to diagnose me with something other than borderline. It is unbelievable guys and gals. It is despicable.

All one has to do is read my files from the past 7 years of therapy to see that I am borderline.

My therapist (in my mind) told this other girl not to continue talking with me for malicious reasons. Sure there was legitimate reasons for not continuing to talk to me because of her borderline issues - BUT - like I said: there is no reason I can think of as to why the girl would stop talking to me - especially when her final text was sent during her individual therapy session...

There is SOOOO much I have left out.

I have been messed with big time. My advice: Order all your mental health records and sift through them at some point. OR record every single session.

Thanks,
HD