Thanks for the responses back, any comments have been a relief.

As far as changing meds on my own I only start changing my meds when I start to feel desperate, as I was today.

I've just become so sensitive these last couple of days, I cant even move without triggering an episode, once one starts its like a cascade of them keep hitting me one after another... After today I can barely walk...

Like today, went to the social security office to apply for disability, became a bit emotional and stressed, had to be helped out by my mom and an employee there as I was too weak to make it out on my own.

We went back to my moms work where I was supposed to change cars and drive back home, but was still feeling weak. Decided to stay awhile and eat at the mall, hoping I could relax a bit so I could safely get back home on my own. Well I was on my way toward my car and I started to feel the onset of it, I cant quite remember what triggered it but remember feeling a bit dizzy, confused and losing focus on my thoughts... Sat down and tried to rest, ended up spending the next 30 minutes struggling with myself not to collapse on the floor everything got so hazy and this was probably one of the most severe I've had in a while, one false move and I would have been on the floor, someone would have called an ambulance of which I cant afford to take again.

About 30 minutes after it started I could move again barely and called my mom, but everytime I started to move it seemed to trigger another episode, I felt like my arms and legs were weighted with bricks...

Ended up being wheeled around in a wheelchair to the car by security, but kept going in and out of smaller episodes on the way home.

Got home and I dont know if it was the depression setting in and making me emotional, in turn triggering an even worse episode, for the first time in a while I felt I was going to lose consciousness, so I asked my mom for a clonazapam I had lying around, helped a bit but I was still quite dillusional, I couldnt even think words in my mind they just scattered to a mess. Became suicidal for the first time in a while, but as things go I couldnt even sit up much less hurt myself.

Was feeling really desperate then, after some rest, managed to get to my car and got some clonazapam and diazapam I had from time before and took them both. My thoughts were that I either feel better, if my weakness was from seizures or pass out asleep as I couldnt take the emotions, thoughts and confusion running through my mind at the time. I've overdosed much higher before on both so I wasnt worried about other effects.

Turns out that after a bit of rest and those anti anxiety/anticonvulsants I'm better enough to write this, though I am still quite exhausted, dizzy and my arms and legs dont seem to cooporate well when I try to move around...

I dont know, I'm reaching a point of which seems to lead to the permanent end to my pain and existence or a new start and understanding. I just dont know, and I'm still feeling in a haze right now.

May not have been a good idea, but when I am stuck between suicide or self experiment I choose experimentation, as I would rather be throwing up, dizzy, with my head throbbing, seeing strange colors from side effects distracting me from my suicidal thoughts rather than death or constant suicidal thoughts at this point.

I'm just so lost, nothing makes sense...