My family has recently become concerned that I may be becoming an alcoholic. After doing a bit of research, I see that they could be somewhat right. Maybe I have already gone too far to be able to touch alcohol ever again. I'm not sure. Maybe I haven't crossed over that far into true addiction. In either case, I am taking a month where I will not drink at all. I'm wondering if people think that I should simply say that I am a person who can never touch a drop of alcohol again or if I could drink responsibly.

I am an autistic man and have been very deeply depressed and self hating about my condition for many years. My mother was aware of my autism and kept me quite sheltered. I had no access to drugs or alcohol growing up. My parents both drank. My father would typically have a few beers after coming home from work, but he seems to be able to abstain from it. It also hasn't caused him any problems.

Then, as a teenager, I became interested in experimenting with alcohol and drugs. I wanted to experience being "messed up". Then, one evening when I was 17, I drank 3 shots of gin from my Dad's liquor cabinet. I felt a strong buzz, but I was able to maintain control. I didn't endanger myself, but naturally alcohol felt quite powerful and alluring to me. I continued drinking my parents liquor when they weren't around. I would do this about four times a week, but I never drank more than 3-5 drinks in one sitting. I also began experimenting with marijuana at this time. I really enjoyed this greatly. My highs were always very insightful and introspective, in addition to being extremely fun

Then, as I got a bit older, I experimented with larger amounts of alcohol 6-7 drinks in one sitting. I started only doing this once a week. My parents found out I was drinking the boxed wine around this time and I had no more access to alcohol.

Then, I went away to college. The first parties I went to, I would get drunk a few times a week. At first, I drank about the same amount I would when I was home. Then, I increased it to drinking 8-12 beers/shots each night I went out. This was often around twice a week. I also became very enthralled by pot and used it all day long about 3-4 days out of the week. As time went on, this pattern became accompanied by roughly weekly to biweekly use of mushrooms, acid, and other hallucinogens. This only lasted for one semester, because I had a very difficult and scary trip on acid once.

After turning 21, I no longer used drugs. Occasionally, I used cannabis, but mostly just alcohol. I would drink about 7 beers in a night on around four nights of the week. This would be the case even if I was alone. If I was alone, I'd kind of pace myself to some extent to avoid getting sloppy most of the time. I still went to a party or two each week and in these settings would consume upwards of 18 beers in a single night. As time went on, I got a job in the college town. Every payday, I would go get absolutely smashed starting at 1-3 in the afternoon at a local bar. One occasion that comes to mind was the time that I drank 6-7 beers at the bar in the afternoon and then drank half a fifth of whiskey during the course of the day and evening. I was walking around town with the bottle in my backpack, sneakily drinking it and offering it to people I hung out with on campus. Since I didn't necessarily have anyone to go with, I just sat there and got drank large amounts by myself sometimes. I stayed the summer. I began going out and drinking to bars where I spent everything I made. Sometimes, I even had to ask my parents for money despite having far more than enough to cover my expenses. If I wasn't able to buy beer, I would get kind of bummed out about it.

Alcohol has also begun to effect me differently from the way it did before. It sometimes has had a way of making me get belligerent about things people said in the past or get depressed about stuff. This hasn't been true lately though. It often seems that it has less of an effect on me than it did before. Nowadays, it seems like alcohol's effects tend to be quite subtle until I get utterly smashed. There seems to be such a minimal in-between. It used to be like I'd have 2 and feel it clearly. Sometimes, I could even feel 1. Now that sometimes isn't the case even with 2. Sometimes, even 3 or 4 doesn't do much. In the past 4 would get me pretty heavily buzzed/a bit drunk. Now, it often does very little. Five or six used to get me feeling quite drunk even though I'd usually be able to act normal. Now, that amount could feel pretty minor. I live with my parents now and they usually stop me from drinking more than 2 in a night, because they are seeing that maybe I have a problem. I have often looked for ways to get more though.