Moonkin, so sorry you've having trouble in a lot of directions it looks like. When I didn't know where to turn, lots of things seemed blocked, I turned to books. Hit the local library (I was in my late-20s and hit the Children's Room of my library!) and see if you can find a few authors who can tide you over until a few more things change and you can see your way to therapy or love or some other helpful face-to-face experience.