Sorry, I just need to rant.

Last year I quit my job and starting looking for something new. I couldn't find anything in my own field so I decided to broaden my search a bit. Obviously I did not handle all the rejections well. After one rejection that was particularly hard on me I had a "screw everything!" moment and sent out an application for a customer care job that I wrote in about 2 minutes. Of course this was not the most obvious choice for someone with AvPD/social phobia but I really liked the concept of the company and I felt ready to try something new. I wanted to learn new skills - I was scared of making phone calls and hoped this job could change that. I was quite excited about this job!

Until, against all my expectations, I actually got the job. Suddenly I panicked. "Why the hell did they hire me? What were they thinking? I can't do this! Do they have too high expectations of me? I can't do this! I CAN'T DO THIS!"
That's something that has been an issue for me for most of my life, thinking I can't do something. I was terrified in my first week. For some reason I was just 100% convinced that I was going to fail. I guess that is why to me, as soon as I had started, it felt like something temporary. Even though before I started, I really wanted to do this.

So of course, it wasn't long until I caved under the pressure and asked for my old job back. They accepted me and I quit. The thing is, I actually wasn't doing that bad at this job. And I liked it. The only thing that stopped me from succeeding was the thought that I couldn't do it. I completely sabotaged myself. I have one more week to go there before I go back to my old job and I feel very sad about it. My old job is safe, familiar and not too stressfull, but also very boring. There is no fear of failing because I know I can do it. But I feel so frustrated that I ruined this oppertunity for myself. It also sucks that I get on well with the person hired to replace me. I'm having a lot of laughs at work and that makes it even harder to leave.

The job I'm going back to does have its upsides. In my pro/con list it was a clear win. (Better salary, better hours, less travel distance, decent employee discount). But I'm standing still instead of moving forward, and I want to move forward!