You did not upset me. You know that I am not easily offended. As well, I am crazy about you and I am equally crazy about your opinion. I am also as stubborn as hell. You certainly did rattle my cage because even as I sit here reading this, I think . Even your post (and this isn't to make you feel badly, only as an example) makes me feel like doing it, only because I am so low that any criticism makes me loathe myself...makes me feel like a terrible individual, makes me feel worthless, makes me feel like I am undeserving of this life. I have to be careful though, one of my daughter's friends, who I am keeping during the summer days, is here so I really can't cry (I just started to cry and had to wipe away my tears--it's no easy task at the moment). I have no idea what "dissassociating" means. Do I really need to go to the ER AGAIN? Can't I wait for a response from my pdoc? It really is VERY complicated for me to IP. I understand that it is better than being dead but we are working on some good deterrents and it really has to be a LAST resort. I know you talk about me in terms of my "precious pdoc" but it is very difficult to sever such a firm relationship. Yesterday in his office I told him "I don't want to make you feel guilty, but I don't want to leave." Then I just cried. He asked me if I needed to stay (and he absolutely would have let me) but I said no because I knew he obviously needed to see other patients. It is very hard for me not to trust him. I asked the pharmacist about this medication and he told me you have to have blood work done weekly (because it causes some sort of sometimes fatal blood disorder) and sign a release to use it but it often works very well. I know certainly that my pdoc is tired of seeing me suffer. He has known me since I was 15 and he knows my history, he has witnessed the worst of my struggles. He also knows (or claims) that I metabolize meds slowly and this is why I take such high doses with little effect and almost no side effects. He just wants me better as quickly as possible and he's struggling with that. I am frantic all the time, I realize that, and you are ABSOLUTELY right that I don't show it. The other night when I realized I was hearing a voice that wasn't real, I was extremeley distressed. I waited and, by the time I saw my husband, I calmly told him I had started hearing a voice. I am now hearing voices; I've heard that woman's AND a man's voice speaking and some back ground noise at least 3 times since I've been typing this. I want to run in the corner and rock like a cradle every time it happens but instead, I do nothing, except get on here and, when applicable, cry...a lot. I just really don't know what to do and frankly, the last time I was IP was for a week and it did pretty much nothing. I came out of the hospital feeling the same as I went in the hospital. If I could really hug you, I would; I appreciate that you care and I appreciate your concern. My sister is researching all of my meds right now and I think I am going to invite her to my next pdoc appt. She is a lion of a woman and she will fight on my side with tooth and nail (as will my mother). This will be straightened out; I also will not leave my family alone, even if every inch of me says otherwise. All of my love.