Not sure if I am doing this to hurt myself. No wait...pretty sure I am. I want to make myself feel as bad as possible. Thats what I feel I deserve. How do I achieve this? I don't want to sleep. Want to push myself to the extreme. I know if I don't sleep I will feel worse...this is what I want/deserve/need. If I drink I will feel worse. I know this so I am drinking. I also stopped taking my meds nearly three weeks ago. Is this a factor? Probably. Do I care? No.

And it feels like a massive risk posting this. I don't want it to be seen. But at the same time...I don't know what else to do. So here I am. Time to continue down this path. I'm resigned to it. I don't have the energy to fight. I don't have the energy to change. This is me.