I don't know what to do anymore. My therapist told me she is leaving. I have just gone through the worst end with my previous therapist. I don't mind so much this one is leaving but it is triggering up a lot and I really don't know what to do or who to talk to. I am trying to rely on family but there is and always has been something wrong in my head and instead of relying on my support system my self harm has escalated. Physically I feel unwell. I should go to my GP and take some responsibility for my health but I don't really see what she'd do. She doesn't ever know what to do, and it is my choice to do this and my problem for the future if something is going wrong inside physically that I don't know about.

I don't know what to do. Two weeks after she told me she was ending and said she'd break confidentiality if I didn't leave the room as she asked and so would tell my family how upset I was (I left as I never mean to cause a fuss) she contacted me asking how I am and then saying if I want to still end she'd close the file but to let her know if I wanted to talk options. I didnt want to end, it felt an end was and ismthe only option. I get upset negotiating, it is scary and i dont like not knowing. I wrote back saying I didn't know what to do, I was having trouble even dealing with writing back as I was upset and apologised for not being able to answer or know what to do next. That was 5 days ago..although it includes the weekend. It is an abandonment all over again. And yes I tell myself endlessly the reasons why she may not reply yet, but part of me cannot be certain she ever will. Even when I was with her she did sometimes and not others and I couldn't figure out why. Now I realise she was likely busy. I know she is probably busy now, but it hurts. I don't know what to do. I guess nothing now?

The other team I'm supposed to see haven't contacted me in 6 weeks. They won't know about this other ending, they wanted me to end anyway and be alone. That is my fault though that they havent contacted me as at the last appt it felt as though the person was angry at me even though I've only met her 2x. I've heard there are other people who find her as mean, and I was really struggling the last time we met so normally I can see her for what she is (a bad professional) but that time it spiralled everything further. I said I'd contact them later but I haven't felt ready to do that yet. HonestlyI don't believe it would be useful to contact them as they are not helpful or even supportive.

I don't know what to do. Nothing seems like the best option. Except that is hard because the screaming doesn't stop so I have to take it on in the self harm. I want to feel settled. I don't do change well, especially being vulnerable with a therapist and then they disappear. It's scary - what are they doing with that part of me? Where have they dumped it? I feel lost and that I don't know who I am

But I'm over-reacting and I need to ride it out. My body hurts. Sometimes I think that's important but others I just keep going as usual, I think who cares. I told my family the therapist contacted me but I didn't get a reaction. Always I say something and I'm met with silence. She doesn't mean it, she either doesn't know what to say to help or wants to maybe give me space to talk more except the silence is the worst. But I know she carres, it isn't her fault either. It is simply silence is worse than saying it all wrong because at least I know she heard me.

It feels like every side is silence. I say I'm hurting and get no reply. I try to realise I am not only one person and be patient. I try and help that part of me that is thriving and happy and manage and balance the dissociated self harming part. But that is what everyone does daily, I am no different. And maybe in time I will get a reply, someone to say that they hear me. But I know that is hard to do when I want perfection. It is my fault. But I don't know what to do. I feel lost.