I also look well no matter what.you going to write a long post generally because this matters to me a lot. I have avoided inpatient for well over 3 years. a new state. and I have been inpatient to times within the past 6 months. my experiences both times with the same teams we're completely different.
I think you in the same situation it wasn't for PC I would not have gone too inpatient twice. and I expect them to kick my *** next time I have to go inpatient. so this is me kicking your *** to the ER.

Miguel's mom makes a lot of good points.
I think that if you took a poll on here you'd be nearly 100% at "we think you need IP and a different dr at the very least looking at your meds and giving an honest opinion about them as well as discussing Clozaril honestly with you". Maybe your dr's issue is that he is too compassionate? That would help explain your mixed feelings. I'm not sure why he hasn't hospitalized you if you've expressed intent. I thought that was a pretty straight ticket into IP. But maybe that's my drs.
I think that's how we all feel about you (I'm guessing about others of course). We just want you to feel better, whatever it takes for that to happen. You've tried home care, you've tried for IOP, that just doesn't leave much else but IP and it doesn't negate that you still need help.
You're going to feel better but you have to take that awkward, painful step first.