I don't know. I think it was to see how far I could take it, like when I got out of the hospital in january and was just pissed off I'd had an actual, full blown manic episode that meant I really had bipolar and would take like 60mg of propranolol at a time just to push the envelope. And now I'm severely depressed and want to kill myself, but not in a direct way, like in an "oh, that was just an accident!" kind of way. I'm just ****ed up.