I understand this very well. It is typically a sign that my suicidal urges have gotten extremely bad, when I start engaging in high risk behavior. It's like tempting fate over and over because I want permission to die, in a way. If I walk out into traffic and don't get hit, then it wasn't my time. If I walk out into traffic and get hit, then I was meant to die that day. That is how my brain will see it when I'm like that. I won't be seeing it as increasing my risk of death by my own behaviors. I'll feel like it's all up to some higher power in the universe, a matter of fate, and I'll keep testing it over and over, as if to ask some unseen force in the world, "Do you really want me to keep living? Do I really have a purpose?" And I perceive the outcome to be an answer, yes or no. But the bottom line is that it means I'm highly suicidal. That is just my way of going about it, that is just how it manifests for me. So if you are the same way, then it means you are suicidal right now. And you need to face that head on. Poisoning yourself to 'play with fire' is no different than poisoning yourself with the fully conscious desire to die. It is the same thing at the bottom line, and must be treated as such.

Having active symptoms isn't being stupid. If you know something is stupid but you're doing it anyway, that doesn't prove that you are stupid, it just shows that you have active symptoms. It means you're smart, but your illness is compelling you to defy your own knowledge and wisdom. It's super important to understand this and accept it so that you don't wind up feeling embarrassed or ashamed, because shame can lead to secrets, and secrets can be fatal. Hope you're feeling better, though.