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Originally Posted by brainhi
...initially we are not seeing the real picture of "who someone is"...
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People don't see who people are because people aren't honest. I'm honest and up front and suffer for it. People say they want honesty and have no interest in games, lies, and manipulation, but that's the only way the vast majority of people know how to interact, and they're highly suspicious of anyone who doesn't lie, play games, and manipulate.
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Originally Posted by guilloche
Hi RichardBrooks...
I'm sorry you're having such a hard, crazy time with relationships. It does sound confusing. I had a couple thoughts...
1. When we first meet people, we only have a limited amount of data. So, people tend to fill in the rest with their imagination (some of us perhaps more than others). When the ladies are initially pursuing you, it's possible that they've made some assumptions about who they think you are, based on their own fantasies and very little data. It's possible that once they get to know you, some of those fantasies turn out to be wrong. This isn't really your fault... partly it's just something that happens, and partly toss it up to a bad match ("Oh, she was dreaming of someone that wanted to retire the countryside, run a vineyard, and have 12 kids and rescue feral cats. OK, I'm not the guy for her!")
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Again, I am honest and up front. I don't play silly games, lie about myself or anything else, or try to manipulate people in any way. Therefore, if anyone thinks I am anything other than what they see, they are assuming I'm either intentionally deceiving them or am too stupid to know who I am.
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Originally Posted by guilloche
2. You mentioned Asperger's. My understanding is that folks with Asperger's can have a really hard time reading others' emotions and reacting appropriately. Could this be contributing? If you're not noticing or reacting appropriately to emotional cues, that *could* come across as you not caring about the other person. If you haven't tried talking to a counselor yet about this, it might be helpful. I imagine they can help you learn to better navigate the emotional stuff, as well as understand how you may appear to others.
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Seriously, how can this stuff be learned except through experience? We don't teach kids to read by handing them a college level textbook and getting angry with them when they don't read it flawlessly. I don't process emotions in the same way others do; it's that simple. Why is it that this one category is one in which there is no allowance, forgiveness, or acceptance? 'Oh wow, you made one tiny mistake? I'm going to cut you out of my life even though just last week I told you I loved you and wanted to be with you forever. You want to know what you did wrong? Too bad, a**hole.'
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Originally Posted by guilloche
3. I want to second/third/etc what others said. It's possible that what ever you're disclosing, or how you're "opening up", is not coming across the way you intend. Again, this might be complicated by the Aperger's. Even without Asperger's, it can be hard to know what and how much to share, and how early to share, because everyone has a different tolerance. One woman might feel really touched to know more about your background, and another might feel like it's too much, too fast, overwhelming, and a red flag.
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I am not understanding this hang up on the phrase 'opening up'. It's not that I open up as in start confessing a bunch of crap or whatever. I open up as in I relax and open myself to the possibility that I might not just be getting set up for another round of torture and confusion.
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Originally Posted by guilloche
4. Finally, something someone told me once: dating is a numbers game. Some people get lucky and meet the love of their life with the first, or second, or third person that they date. But really, there's no guarantees. Just because the first 100 women you date don't end up being good matches, doesn't mean that you won't strike gold with 101. You have to keep trying.
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Ever hear the saying, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?" If each and every time you touch a hot stove, you get burned, you will eventually stop touching the stove. You'll walk wide circles around that stove to make sure you don't touch it. In my case, the stove has the ability to disguise itself as something innocuous and to promise me it's not a stove so it's okay to touch it. I hesitate, then I let my guard down and reach out and get burned again. Also, I don't know a single person... not one... other than myself who has not had at least one significant long term relationship before they were in their thirties. If it's a numbers game, it's rigged against me. 2015 is not halfway over, and I've been walked away from 4 times already... and I'm having a slow year. I passes that 101 a long, long time ago. I've even tried meeting people online. As soon as I say so much as 'hi' they're either deleting their profiles or blocking me. This seems far less like a numbers game and more like a government experiment to see how much rejection a human being can tolerate.
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Originally Posted by guilloche
That said, I agree that it might be helpful to talk to a therapist/counselor. I think they can help you determine if the Asperger's is causing problems, and what you can do to circumvent those problems if they exist. They can help you look at the patterns in your relationships and see if you're unconsciously picking women that aren't good matches for a reason, or if you're attracting a certain type of woman. They can help you understand how you interact, what your values and boundaries are, and how to maintain your self-worth in the brutal dating arena.
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What few people there are who specialize in Autism and Aspergers focus on children. If you're an adult, they basically tell you to find meaning elsewhere in your life. One even said to me, "You interact well with your clients; you manage the people who work for you; I don't understand what more you want." How about something in my life other than work? How about friends, a family, someone to share my problems and my joys with? How about not having to wonder if there will even be pallbearers at my funeral if I die?
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Sometimes insanity is a perfectly sane reaction to an insane situation.