Hi,
I need help, and please excuse my English, I am not a native speaker.

I am 25 heterosexual boy who never had any kind of sex.
I feel embarrassed to even write it, but from a very young age I loved playing with my ***,
and inserting stuff up there, sometimes I also liked putting some bra and dress on my self during the act (only two times thou).

During the years I was introduced to BDSM and strapon stuff through the net,and my favorite porn is strapon domination of woman on man, but I also like regular man on woman and bdsm man on women.

I have a fantasy were a woman pegs me, and let me suck her strapon, while I am wearing a wig , panties and bra, treating me like a slutty girl basically.

I am confused, because I do not know why I have those desires, and recently I thought about acting upon them and considered going to a pro dome.

My question\s is:

Why I have those cross-dress \ slut desires? - about the *** penetration, In the past I succeeded, using "homemade tools", to get an orgasm so great, it felt wonderful.
I know about the stigma about penetration being a gay thing, but to tell the truth I know I am not one, nor getting pegged makes me one - I am sure attracted to women and want to have sex them in regular and in a kinky way,when I will get the opportunity.

Which leads to my concern: the cross dressing \ "being a slut" thing:
Because I never been with a girl before (not even a kiss) , due to me being a computer wiz (a geek) focused on his work , had to serve in the army and my mom dying from cancer, depression and more things I am seeing a professional psychiatrist for,
can it harm in some way?

In one hand I want to *start be more manly*, and start going with girls, and on the other hand,
I want to be pegged so much, want woman to bend me over and do me in the ***, but also want to that to them;

SORRY FOR THE HARSH WORDS

From what I read on the net I understood it called a "switch", and about the session itself that
it's just an experience, and some sort of a game - doing in consent, care from both parties, and me being a virgin had nothing to do with it, and that I am young and should just try things.

Should I give a pro dome a try? I feel very excited about such a thing, but I fear it will "**** up my mind" somehow when I will be with a girl, or will start act like a female, it scares me, what should I do?

I will appreciate an answer me, because I have no one else to ask - when trying to search this subject on the internet most of the time I am getting porn videos, and not much good educational content about the subject.

Thanks!