Richard,

I am feeling your frustration in what you write. About that stove analogy...try to remember it's not the same stove every time. They may all be women, but they're not exactly alike. A different model of stove, if you like.

And to continue with that analogy, have you ever heard of the 5 love languages? It's a book that discusses how different people have different ways of showing love and of perceiving that they are loved.

It sounds like you need someone who feels loved by someone who is consistent and loyal and shows up and does caring things. Someone who has a much more "emotional" than practical "love language" will probably not be a good fit for you.

If you're in a relationship with a woman, you may need to ask her what she wants regarding gifts and celebration for birthday, Christmas, & Valentine's Day. If it's doable (like she doesn't want you to take her to the south of France for two weeks or something like that), do it for her.

I'm basing that last paragraph on my mom and dad. My dad wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's, but he had a lot of the characteristics. We had this conversation about Valentine's Day once when I was a young adult. He refused to celebrate it at all. He thought it was commercial and ridiculous. I said "but all Mom wants is a card and for you to take her to dinner - that makes her really happy. Isn't that important?" By this time he was getting towards middle age and mellowing a little, and he agreed that it was, so he started doing that every year. My mom was thrilled.

I don't know how much any of this applies to you or is helpful to you. All I can do is to offer my own experience and ideas. You sound like a good person. I hope that you meet someone compatible. I'm not keen on dating services, but it might be something you want to consider.

If therapists aren't helping you to reach your personal life goals, you might want to look for a good life coach. Probably a female one. They are generally more problem-solving oriented.