Hi there,

I feel like I have a lot of grief inside me.. due to my dad not wanting me.

I've never actually shared this with anyone.. Only my former therapist knows.

I've bee SO silly.. I've felt like grief would be weakness!

I actually thought I didn't know how to cry, but lately, I've been feeling more like, I don't want to - like, for as long as I can, I'll stop myself from crying, whatever it takes!

I actually think I did cry and grieve this loss as a child but it made no sense because there was no one there who could have explained it to me. Since both my parents were emotionally unavailable, I essentially cried alone. It must have killed me.. Even now, I can remember feeling like my whole body was on fire - full of emotion but no one to explain it to me, to make it milder, to teach me how to live with it..

My dad didn't like kids. He didn't want my brother nor me. I believe he hates neediness, which I took as physical abandonment even though he was actually physically present. I felt he wouldn't care for me if I was left alone with him, so I clung to my mum. Too bad she was a control freak..

The other day, I really and truly realised I wasn't loved by my dad. And I feel it as shame, with every fiber of my being.. I just need to know it wasn't my fault. And that it's possible for someone else to love me even though my dad didn't..