OK, I now feel really bad about thinking I should switch to a different T because mine was just awesome today. She just really listened and seemed to understand why I was feeling how I was about MC switching from open to closed door. Then tried to work with me to figure out where the feelings were coming from, going over a bunch of things from my past. She thinks it might not just be about my relationship with my dad or with any one person, but more about a bunch of different relationships. Particularly some with people I'd opened up to and expected things from but who had ended up hurting me. I think she gets my whole fear of sharing feelings and why the thing with MC hit me so hard (since it happened right after I shared feelings).

We touched on a lot of different things that I won't go into here. But toward the end, I was speculating on the fact that MC had maybe loosened some boundaries then felt he had to tighten them again, but why did that happen? She seemed hesitant to share an idea, but then shared anyway. She said T's have to learn not to become too emotionally invested in their clients, or else it would be overwhelming to them (to T's, that is). And she personally had to learn that quickly. She said she still gets overinvested from time to time. So they have to set boundaries of some type to keep that from happening.

So she thinks maybe MC became too emotionally invested in me, which led to him loosening his boundaries (allowing a couple individual sessions despite the couples counseling, talking just about my issues in some sessions, etc.) T said that could in part have happened because I'm a patient who is interested in the process of therapy and who wants to work on things and get better (unlike some patients who just expect T's to magically fix everything for them without doing work). So she said that could have been really appealing to him, in that I was really listening and taking in what he said and actually wanted him to help me. I imagine the whole having transference thing was probably appealing to him, too, though she didn't specifically say that. (And when I say "appealing," I don't necessarily mean in a romantic or sexual sense.) But then something made him realize, whoa, I'm too invested here, what am I doing? And then he closed back the doors he'd opened for me.

My T asked me that, if that were the case, would I feel better if he admitted that and apologized for it? (She said she wouldn't say anything to him about it, just was curious). And I said I thought it would help, especially because then I wouldn't be blaming myself, either for sharing my feelings of love or being too needy, etc. I said he tends to be someone who does apologize for things or worry out loud that he's doing something wrong, so it's a little surprising he wouldn't for this. But then, I guess, it could also be weird for him to do that in front of my H, like saying, "So I got emotionally invested in your wife" because then H might think he's biased toward me or something. Plus I imagine it's hard for a T to admit that they crossed boundaries--or maybe he'd think that would make me feel worse, who knows?

I can't decide how it makes me feel to think that. In a way, it makes me feel good that he felt emotionally invested in me and went beyond what he would normally do. But it also hurts more that he took it away because, like, I saw what I could have, if that makes any sense. I still feel like I'd rather know. Do I find some way to ask him about it? Like say, could I speak to him for 5 minutes at the end of Monday's session? Ask for a brief phone call? I wouldn't say it came from T, could just say was reading about a similar situation on the boards or something. I just think much of why I'm upset is that I keep blaming myself and thinking he's pushing me away because I shared my feelings. I mean, maybe that is what made him realize, oh, damn, this is getting too close, but it still wouldn't all be about me messing up by being open.

So do I try to find some way to ask him about it (without sounding accusatory)?