Hi all. Long story short - dad has been an alcoholic all my life. He was selfish, mean spirited and manipulative. He actually told me a number of times he was the 'master manipulator'. He always has money for alcohol and things he wanted but we sometimes went without other things. I remember being spanked for asking if we could make smores while camping at age 7 and I was terrified of him up until I was in my mid twenties. He kicked me out at 19 for literally no reason. I came home from school to the locks changed and could not get my clothing even. For months.

Since then (more than a decade has passed) I have kept contact(out of pity and fear of what he will do to himself) but when he felt like I wasn't paying him enough attention, he'd threaten suicide over and over. I hate to say it but he did it so often it's like the boy who cried wolf.

Since becoming a parent a few times over, these awful childhood and young adulthood memories come rushing back to me at odd times - like I only remembered the smores incident making s'mores with my children. And it makes me so angry. These memories just rush in and make me feel so used and make me want to break all contact. But it also makes me feel like I am being such a child. Becoming a parent has made me realize how truly awful he was.

He is still a complete alcoholic. Drinks at work. Been through rehab a few times. He's currently there. I try to be supportive and encouraging because he's pushed almost everyone away. But he seems to expect heaps of praise and attention for it but honestly, I am exhausted with him. Emotionally. I want and need to focus on my kids and spouse and myself. He feels so toxic yet I pity him and can't bring myself to not talk to him. I can't talk to my spouse as he does not understand. He says 'why bother? He treated you like trash. Most people would've left and never looked back. You deserve better'. And it's true.

Sorry this is so long. Any one else feel this way? How'd you move past it?

Thank you.