This is how I feel about it.

My first thought was 'because I'm lazy' but I know that's not it. I've been feeling lazy lately because I lack the motivation and drive I used to have to create and exercise. My attention span is also really short these days but didn't used to be.

I think it really comes down to a lack of self worth and the fear other's have talked about where I am afraid that I won't be able to handle the friendship. I fear the only people that would want to be with me will abuse and smother me. My father was abusive, my mother smothering (she looked to me to support her emotionally or neglected). Every substantial relationship I've had has been with someone that ignored, abused or smothered me but I realize I chose them because I didn't think I deserved more and was looking to reinforce my early relationships.

Tired. I know so much more now. I know, intellectually, I deserve better and can have better but I feel too tired to deal with the anxiety that comes with trying.

I'm working on my motivation, trying to get myself to do things like exercise more and eat well and hoping these will give me the energy to try again. I accept that I will have to confront my anxiety when it comes to people so I'm focusing on other ways I'm avoidant (like going to dentist and procrastination).