I hear you saying you want to understand yourself better and between that and just the way you speak of what you're struggling with you sound like a really insightful person.

You say that you've mentioned thinking of self harm as a way to get attention. Are you sure that's why you mention it? I ask because I think people often feel a lot of shame around having those types of thoughts/feelings and there's a misconception out there with some that self harm is a gesture made to get attention. While some do end up self harming as an expression of their pain that communicates it visually to other's it's never a simple attention ploy.

I'm really glad you wrote down that you've considered SH, taken steps to acknowledge the thoughts more fully. As someone who's done it in the past I can assure you the thoughts, even if you don't think you'll do it are serious and a better understanding of why you have them and how to avoid acting on them is important. I wish I had never done it and I'm left with scars that keep me aware of a very painful period of my life. It's also kind of a Pandora's box that once opened can be hard to close.

I agree with healingme4me, sometimes optimism is overrated. I feel like the U.S. is almost a cult of positivity these days. It can be really frustrating when one just wants to say they don't like something. I find myself participating in it sometimes where someone tells me about a difficult situation and my first response is some "look on the bright side" thing. Sometimes some things are blah. If you're more negative then you want to be I bet you can work on that but, who knows, maybe you're more level headed or just responding to a culture that is hellbent on positivity. A lot of modern comedians take pessimism and make it funny.