Quote:
Originally Posted by Soccer mom
It's definitely about my needs from childhood! When I first started, my T. asked me what my needs were. I about threw up and thought "need" was a 4 letter word. I didn't need anyone or anything. I was very used to stuffing any emotions down so I wouldn't be affected. My T. once told me it's like someone who has been through a divorce. They had told themselves the entire time that they didn't need X to convince themselves that everything was ok. I think that's what child me did growing up. I wasn't getting affection, connection, attunement so I just told myself after awhile (we think around age 7), that I just don't need them. But, my subconscious held onto it all and it erupted after my mom died.
Keep in mind, I saw my T off and on for 5 years before my mom died and had NO FEELINGS whatsoever! So, this has been a crazy ride but I have learned so much about myself! Keep digging deep and trying to link your feelings to your past especially when they seem out of proportion.
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Thanks for sharing more details! Yesterday, my T and I explored various relationships in my past that could be triggering the paternal transference. It was like a greatest hits of rejection and heartbreak, so lots of tears. T thinks it's not just about my father, but about a bunch of different relationships in my life, including a friend I've had since 6th grade who I had a particular connection to, like we understood each other. We were close friends, and he was there for me during some difficult times (and vice versa). Both had issues with depression. We tried dating a bit and ended up kissing on a few other occasions in high school and after, but each time something happened, he'd basically disappear for a while. He's someone I've always felt a deep love for, and I thought we'd eventually end up together, so it was hard for me when he got married maybe 12 years ago. (We're still friends and get together on occasion--still feel the same connection, and he always hugs me very tightly when he sees me.) It occurred to me that he and MC have basically the same brown eyes that show a certain sadness and soulfulness, and I feel a similar connection when I look at each of them. So there could be something to that. (My H has very blue eyes.) My dad also has brown eyes (as do I), but they're different from MC's.
So it's probably more complicated than just father stuff, but likely stuff going back to childhood and adolescence.
Of course, it also occurs to me that maybe there's more erotic transference in there than I've been thinking lately. Back in March, when MC was reluctant to see me individually a second time, then agreed because I was so upset, he was asking me about what exactly I felt, I think because he was trying to distinguish between more paternal and more romantic feelings. Like did I feel abandoned by him? That would be more paternal. Or did it feel like rejection? That would be more romantic/erotic. And other similar sets of questions. For the most part, I'd ended up answering with "all of the above." And right now it sort of feels that way, too. Ugh, why does this all have to be so confusing and complicated?
