A little bit about myself, I am 23, male, living in the U.S, resumed treatment for persistent depression about three months ago. I wrote this piece about two weeks ago, when I've started to feel a bit better. I shared it with a few of my closest friends, they told me that its profoundly touching. One encouraged me by saying that I am a terrific person since I was able to keep pushing forward even though I felt like this, which was a huge booster for my morale. In retrospect putting it all in writing helped me to dissociate myself from my thoughts and gain some insight. I feel like I need to share my thoughts and maybe gain some perspective from the community. Hopefully you'll find it useful in your own struggle and relate to my experience. Stay strong guys!

Let me start off by saying that I wanted to put my thoughts into writing for a very long time. I felt misunderstood by my peers and everyone around me for as long as I remember. For a while, I tried to hide my depression and kept on going even though my life lost its meaning long time ago, probably before I was even aware of what it has to offer. I appreciate the fact that existence and its intricacies are a wonderful phenomena that we all experience in a very intimate, and unique fashion. Every mind has its distinctive features and there are no two people with the same neural circuitry, so in a way we all create our interpretations of the world around us. Humans have an immense capacity to form new neural connections and it has been shown in research studies that EEG recordings of people who were successfully treated for depression show similar patterns of activity in the brain independent of the type of treatment received. In a way this is an evidence for a strong, bilateral mind-brain relationship, and an argument for the singularity of the organ and metaphysical representation of its activity in the form of a working mind. Although I have to admit that in my case the treatment wasn’t fully successful, the medication definitely helped to relieve some of the symptoms of my illness, but now I find myself stuck in a position between being functional and being ill and I cannot accept it any longer.

I absolutely understand that my depressive thoughts are not entirely true. After all, they are a result of electro-chemical activity of my disrupted brain, which can be restored to proper function with treatment. Nonetheless, after trying for a long time to restrain these dysfunctional, falsely rational thoughts, I am worn-out. I remember that at the very beginning of the treatment I was willing to try many approaches in order to improve my condition, but nowadays I consider my depression permanent, a terrible outlook to have. In the past, I suffered from panic attacks, which I have successfully conquered on my own after applying some of the techniques from a book “Hope and Help Your Nerves “ by an Australian doctor Claire Weekes. Yet the depression I suffer from is different, as no matter how much I continue to engage with others or try to challenge my negative thinking patterns, it never goes away. I pushed myself through college, graduated with honors from a fairly respected program at a decent institution, hoping that one day I will be able to say that depression is under control, not affecting my life to a substantial degree. After all of the struggles, currently I feel like a failure, still being ill to an extent that only allows me to go through life feeling alone, misunderstood and dissatisfied with every action I undertake. In a way I want to fail, because of the misalignment between what happens to me and my thought content. One of the aspects, I find most distressing about my depression is the lack of a genuine feeling of happiness and accomplishment. For the most part gratification is short lived and related to external events, but my negative thinking instantly turns it around and the lack of joy comes back. There are some moments when I feel great around my friends, but this all seems like an illusion as I start to dwell, overanalyze and hang on to the negatives.

Going back to the point I made previously about the abnormality in the way signals are conveyed in the brain of depressed individual and the restorative function of treatment, I believe that years of accepting my depression and feeling worthless and alone established very strong patterns of activation on a neuronal level, that I will not be able to change even with treatment. Long-term potentiation, which is the process of establishing strong, persistent neural connections by frequent stimulation of certain synaptic connections is responsible for the sort of automatic processing of external stimuli, and the habitual, disturbing, self depreciating thought patterns which are the hallmark of my depression. Besides that the depression has hit me during a critical developmental period and from a smart, intelligent, funny, popular youngster, I turned into passive, depressed and anxious young adult, unfit to get a career congruent with my true ability and aspirations. Even with treatment, my personality will always be disturbed to a degree, a fact that I am not willing to accept. On top of that because of depression, my social skills suffered and as a person who liked to meet and spend time with people, the feeling of isolation only exacerbated my despair. Most of my peers were enjoying themselves and learning how to be adults, while I remained depressed and withdrawn, missing on many of the enjoyments and opportunities life has to offer. I would very often decline invitations to social events making up reasons not to go, withdrawing myself even further and deepening my misery. Now I feel ashamed of my illness and believe that no matter what treatment I receive and how hard I try, my chance for normal, fulfilling life is already gone. I know that I cannot know for certain what the future holds for me, but with this condition as proven by my past experiences, it is more likely that I will have a very low quality of life and end up alone. A few weeks ago, I started crying after I saw a post from The Economist about depression as a major source of disability for people my age. Unfortunately, the longer I stay depressed the more l feel that I am going to join the group of people who like me once had dreams, desires, hopes for the future, but depression demolished their lives. Even with treatment their lives are disturbed, ability to form any meaningful relationships pretty much non-existent, as it is not a pleasant experience to be with someone who suffers from depression.

I am not entirely sure what keeps me going at this point, some days I just want to quit my part-time job, drop out from post-bachelors program I am enrolled in and just give up, but I hang on to it, although I have to admit my patience is almost completely depleted. I know I have a group of friends who respect my illness and find me dependable, funny and loyal, but I just cannot move forward with my life, not like this, because there is no honor or dignity in a miserable existence. I remember mentioning to my doctor that if the goal of treatment is to artificially keep me alive because it is unethical for a 21 year old to commit suicide I am not sure whether I want to continue; now I feel that the pattern is being repeated. I really don’t see myself functioning like this any longer. I genuinely find it astounding how I could have lived in this state for the past few years. It feels like the whole treatment process was just a delay of imminent failure, a result of living with this horrible illness, which destroyed my life and undermined any hope for improvement in the future. The short-lived feeling that I could possibly have a normal life and accomplish something truly wonderful only adds bitterness to my situation.

Hopefully this recap will shed a light on my experience with depression and show how I feel about my current state. I avoided as many details from my life to make a point that depression is primarily disturbance of perception, independent of real life situation for the most part. I still think that life is worth living, as long as we get to experience it through the undistorted lens of healthy, non-depressed mind. I would truly love to once again feel the excitement of seizing the day, going to sleep with a sense of accomplishment, waking up refreshed and ready to go through the day with a purpose. However years and years of living with depression have had a profound impact on my life and left an irrevocable mark on my psyche. This prolonged acceptance had established neural pathways, which will not enable me to create a worthwhile representation of reality, and it’s such a shame that my piece of the universe, as perceived by my brain will mostly bring pain and disappointment.