Hi everyone. This is my first time, so I am a little nervous. I guess I just want some feedback from people that have been in the same kind of situation that I have been in.
Wow, this is harder than I thought. Ok, I will just give a little background: I grew up in an abusive home. My father was verbally/emotionally/physically abusive. I kept my distance as much as possible and vowed when I turned 18 to leave. I haven't confronted that situation yet. It is still very much a secret in my family. I never told my mother and my father, being an alcoholic, has chosen to forget that anything happened, he remembers very little. This is another reason I am worried to leave my husband, because I will have to confront my mother with the truth, something I am dreading.
When I was 15 I met my husband. We got serious fast and I dedicated myself to him. I am sure if I was aware of the signs of abuse, I would have had an idea of how my marriage would be, but I didn't see anything. I married as soon as I turned 18 and hoped to leave my life of abuse behind me. One month after we were married, my husband physically abused me for commenting on another man's looks. opf course he vowed never to do it again and of course he did. He became verbally and emotionally abusive in the following months. Honestly, I didn't recognize it. I mean when he was physically abusive I saw a problem but thought I could prevent/fix it. Also I had put levels to physical abuse, thinking it was only abusive when he hit me in the face or choked me. I even considered him a wonderful husband at one point because he had only thrown me by my hair on the street and didn't hit me in the face in a situation that I thought I had deserved to be hit (talking to a male friend on the phone without permission).
I haven't gotten to the point where I want to be. My mind still wanders to fault and shame. I do not want to live this way and am forcing myself to take steps to liberation (hurts so much). I am now 22.
I know that I should leave him. I don't know what stops me. I get so confused because sometimes my husband is nice to me and other times he hates me. The thing that gets me the most is that when we were dating, my husband knew about my father's abuse to me. My husband was often my savior and he vowed to never hurt me that way, but he always has a reason why he does it. To me I just feel so hated. What's wrong with me? I know the response to that: It's not my fault, this is his problem. But I do have a rationalization. In my home, when I was a kid, I was the only one hit. My brother was only once and my mom never was, just me. I just don't understand. What vibe do I send off that makes men hate me that much?
Well thanks for any suggestions. Sorry it is so long.