I've decided that I don't want to have to rely on self destruction to go on through life.

I tell myself that my girlfriend deserves better than what I am, so instead telling myself that she can do better, I'll become what she deserves. I will stop drinking. I will stop smoking. I will stop self harming. I will try my absolute best to beat my depression. I want to be the boyfriend that makes her smile, not the boyfriend that puts her in constant worry for my well being. I want her to be able to go through the day knowing I'm genuinely ok. The both of us deserve to live a life without unnecassary pain holding us back. I want to be stable for her when she's at her lowest.

I want to be able to be happy without having to slowly kill myself. I don't want to become like my narcissistic mother, and I refuse to do so. I want to be stable for both my girlfriend and I. In fact, I need to be. I'm not going to let my past pull me away from my future, I don't want it to. I want to be able to laugh at the malicious stupidity of my family, not hurt myself over it. I don't want pain anymore for neither of us, so I'm going to try and better myself the best I can.

We are in a long distance relationship, unfortunately, so I'm going to have to do this alone just like everything else growing up. I don't know where to start, and this is going to be a painfully difficult process, but I'm ready to endure it if that's what it takes to bring us to our stable future. Too bad this is going to be a lone journey, but I can make it nonetheless