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Gracey said:
I'm not sure I've ever let my "unconsciousness" or "subconscious" take over. But then, T doesn't ever sit behind me. We have this understanding. . .no matter how many times I turn away or hide from him, he is to never turn away. I had a T do that once. . .in an effort to help me not feel so shamed. It devastated me. It's one thing to be complete filth, you know? It's entirely another to know that someone can't look at you. I think I'd feel weird if he was behind me.
Oh hells bells. . .I don't know why I just wrote all of that.
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Yeah, T and I had figured out together why I never wanted the couch... well, 2 reasons really... 1. I had told him that I never had anyone look at me the way he does... so engaged, so intense. So once I go on the couch, that will be taken away. and... 2. This is psychoanalysis, so the whole point is letting the unconscious take over and then process it afterwards. Well that's %#@&#! scary as hell. That means no filter, no censorship, and the chance of reexperiencing an unpleasant state, as I did today. For almost 2 years I resisted that by refusing the couch. That's the point of having the analyst behind you in psychoanalysis... There is nothing hindering the unconscious. Of course he is there, and he was amazing to remind me of that by saying, "I'm still here." He knew that I would need that in order for me to feel safe.
Wow. I must edit this to add that it just hit me how very much I must trust him to allow myself to experience what happened today.
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