Well things are a bit better now, I took myself off of anything that I researched that could make a seizure worse, and am starting to stabilize. Most likely a really bad reaction to the Imiprimine, but I must say, its side effects are the exact thing I started taking the meds to stop but much worse. Talked to my doctor, luckily he called while I could talk, wasn't expecting it as most doctors I have to call, he just called out of concern of how sick I've been yesterday and before. Though I was feeling at the bottom, talking with him gave me some hope of making it through as he understands what I've been trying to say and I think we are on the same wavelength, so to speak. Nothing worse than having a doctor that refuses to consider how I feel as some have before.

As others have said, yes the common thought is to not go off meds or change things yourself, and I would highly recommend no one do as I am doing, I am just trying to vent my feelings and this is just pure desperation. An example of this is someone I knew, I didnt really know what his issues were, but when he went off meds, he ended up physically attacking someone in an argument, then started fighting against a police officer. Things did not go well. I met him about 6 months later, he didnt seem to recognize me...

I have gone off for a period of 1 or 2 months in the past, everything is fine until I encounter any stress or emotional situations, then I get a full out episode. Though after starting these last couple medications, I've become even more sensitive to any triggers. As is why I am changing so much myself now, I'm losing control over what is left of my mind and I need it, without it I don't have a chance.

However, over the years I can say I have developed a trust in myself over my doctors, 5 years ago, when I was exhausted and tired, and wanting to just die, and a doctor says, oh its just a phase, your weakness is just your imagination... So its going to be a phase lasting over 6 years of me imagining some disorder? I cant take any more of that BS. I cant take people telling me that what I feel is fake or imaginary, so many years of that BS in school, at home... and I believed it then, nothing makes me more depressed or suicidal now then believing that all my thoughts and feelings are wrong. I was on lithium and started feeling these strange fearful feelings, the doctor then just told me that they were not a side effect of that medication and to keep taking a higher dosage, I became more fearful and no amount of anti anxiety meds or a change in thoughts could relieve it. Well after some research and inner thought over these years, a random feeling of fearfulness always precedes my episodes. If I were to truly be having seizures, lithium, from what I've heard can lower the threshold, so that may very well have explained what I felt, while my doctor just told me to take more of my anti psycotics, of which did nothing.

I now know better, what I feel is very real, all the hope I have left resides in myself and my current doctor, who luckily is the best I've had and in him is my best and last hope of getting better.

Anyhow, yes I'm riding the fence, I've considered my options, and have seen the reprocussions that follow, I can even imagine what will happen but I don't want to get into that darkness. Though, what is worse would be what I do if I were not to die and the last of my sanity is gone...

Sorry for some of the angry words to the responses but just so much has happened, theres nothing I haven't heard before, yet I feel I just need to hear something. Been becoming so disconnected from being unable to talk much to anyone these days, especially my true feelings, not watered down or sanitized as I have to around others. Scold me if you will, I may scold back, but I need it. Thanks for any words harsh or sympathetic.