Long. You don't have to read it all.

I was supposed to take a trip to visit a family member but emailed them last week saying I couldn't go. I felt I needed to give an explanation since it was something we had planned for a while. I wrote something I never should have said, which opened a HUGE can of worms, and I feel like I"m the lowest worm of them all.



The wife called me last night and I told her that I wasn't going to discuss it. Said son didn't need to know this. That as soon as they named their child after the father, I knew they didn't know anything that had happened. She was very sympathetic and I got to saying more than I should. I said over and over not to tell her husb what happened. She said it would just kill him to know, and that she would tell him that something happened, but not what. We talked for 2 hrs. I felt reasonably ok.

I woke up to text messages that she had told him everything and they wanted details. I lost my mind. It was like someone pushed a button and a demon possessed me. I yelled at wife that she had betrayed me. I am furious at her. I kept saying if I wanted him to know, i would have told him 30 years ago! She did the I'm sorry but. I'm sorry but I never said I wouldn't tell him. He has a right to know.

I am so damned mad at myself right now. I have ruined an innocent man's life. Son had nothing to do with it. I'm sure he had troubles growing up, idk. But he did not need to know what his father was. Not this long later. He's been dead for 30 years.

I coincidently had T today but was still hysterical and demon possessed. She's in an office building, a professional complex, and I was screaming like a wildwoman. Glad I don't know anyone there.

T said that some part of me didn't want to hold onto the secret anymore. The it was ok for son to know. I didn't have to protect him. That wife was within her rights to tell anything I said and also that her reaction to me was just as I would have wanted a parent to react, which was why I was so angry. That sounds like total bs to me. Once again, what I say means nothing. This is why I keep my mouth shut about things. I won't make this mistake again. I dont even know if I can walk back into T's office. I was too incompetent to make next appointment and she said she had time tomorrow to see me if I wanted, but I don't think I want. I think I want to go back to the way it was before.

So mad at myself. I really do want to hit my head against the wall or worse. Think I might get the bottle of booze out instead and drink til I forget this whole rotten life.