Apologies for the long post. I will try to condense it.

So I've been getting more and more attached to my T. He knew I was attached he just didn't know I was getting more attached. After the last appointment he said it "hit him in the face." Instead of getting into details I'll say it's a bit complex and crazy but then I'm complex and crazy, I think.

So when I came to see him today he's looking at me funny like I've done something wrong. I sit down and he tells me to not record. He has said this to me one time before when the topic was something similar. So basically the first half of the appointment was him telling me that he felt like I was more attached to him then he realized and that he needed to back off and the he was like a drug to me though he has said that to me before and he's right. I don't know if he's been in denial or if I was really good at hiding things or what but none of this was a surprise to me. I mean how attached I am to him. Though he seems genuinely surprised.

He mentioned that I am not supposed to text him and I made sure to tell him how unclear and blurry that was to me. He has said, "We're not supposed to text. He (his boss, my p'doc) doesn't want us to text." In the same breath he says, "I don't have a problem with it. We're not supposed to. It's no big deal though." He apologized for being blurry but said that he hates having to get firm with me.

I have to say that the majority of the appointment I was crying and was having difficulty processing what was going on. I heard him say things that he didn't say and I know this because I told him that I heard him say that he was leaving me yet he never said that. I suppose the other thing is that we're both quite disappointed that I've been seeing him for as long as I have and I seem to have regressed back to the beginning. He said to me that he didn't want something to happen to him and leave me still as* "sick" as I am.

So I guess the other thing that was upsetting to me was that he put up new barriers and boundaries. They seem really high and he said "I'm not having fun." This isn't how I work. I suppose he is more open with his other patients but he can't be with me.* I sometimes wonder if he regrets having ever met me but he says "No. we're teaching each other." The other thing that was bothering me was that the boundaries were up so quickly everything seems so cold and sterile. He was asking me questions as if we never met before. I don't know how to explain it. So he's asking me how is NA or how's my diet going. I sat there speechless and said I don't want to talk. He asked why I didn't want to talk and I said that things seem different and I didn't feel safe. That last thing hurt him. I could see it and he was surprised that I said it. He admitted to me that he was looking to see if I was misbehaving. Meaning looking at him or whatever, in an unhealthy way. I know what he is talking about because I am guilty of that at times.

The last half of the appointment he is trying to steer it to normalcy but I wasn't there. I tried but it wasn't happening. I left his office in an extremely cold manner and lost my **** from there.

As much as I want to contact him via phone call, not text, I won't. I want him to know what I did and didn't do today. I want him to be proud of me but I'm realizing that what matters is that I am proud of myself. I really hope that this whole drama won't be for naught. I hope that I am able to grow from this. I don't like being attached to him. It's painful.