I've actually gotten quite a bit better now that I have new meds. I'm obsessing about 50% of what I was and the suicidal thoughts have gone way down. My outpatient hospital pdoc is brilliant.

I've been seeing the hospital psych for 5 months and it's taken us this long to get there. Basically I am on an eating plan, taking vitamins (anemia gone), self-harm is way less, sleeping more regularly, and I'm starting to do cleaning stuff each week. There's a long way to go though, thankfully not limited to 12 sessions! It's taken so long just to get here. She's trying to get me to let people in to help me clean but it's too shameful right now. I haven't slept in my bed in months because my bedroom is too disgusting. Lately I have been sleeping in a reclining chair because the dog keePs peeing on the couch. I'm still struggling, but it has gotten better. I'm also very isolated although I'm working now. I feel so pathetic to be like this at 32.

She keeps saying we need to work on safety/health stuff first, which seems right. I like being able to check off the lists every week too for eating/cleaning... It's sad, but I kind of need it. I like her too, she's very patient about all the stupid stuff I do and doesn't get mad if I slip. Plus I feel so much relief to have someone else care about these basic things and encourage me, and it doesn't feel like a horrible scary secret how badly I take care of myself anymore. It's scary to be doing that badly and just be told over and over to snap out if it. I feel a lot safer now that I have someone actually helping me look after myself.

It makes me realize how badly I needed this and for how long I needed this. This is the first time I haven't felt as scared, and like I'll be taken seriously and don't have to try to dig myself out by myself (and I can't).