Hey.

So, lately my life has felt like it's come to a dead end. I've struggled with depression for quite a while now, but the sum of the crap my life is feeling like it's all cumulated to this point.

First off, I lost my job.
Well, i didn't lose it, i quit. I had worked for a grocery store for about 3/4 of a year, and hated every minute of it. The work was monotonous and grueling, and the shifts were longer than I'd been used too. I had no interest in most of my coworkers, and even less in the store itself. The 20min walk there in the morning felt like a funeral march. You never knew when they'd get decide to cut your hours. On top of all that, I have feet issues, so i usually spent half of my shift in excruciating pain; and when I'd get home, I could barely stand.

My life suffered on account of the place. My depression worsened, and I couldn't seem to function normally. I felt like I was two people; the real me at home, and a foreign me at my job that was trying to kill off the real me. I wanted to quit, but since i'm still living with my parents who are on food stamps, I am required by law to work 20hrs a week. Plus there were no good opportunities, and I'd had a hell of a time finding the job I had. But one night i couldn't sleep, so i stayed up listening to music; and I just got, inspired, to take the chance and see what happens. I felt that if I didn't try to break through the wall, I never would. So when I got to work, and had an awful morning, I took the jump.

It's been 5 weeks now, and I'm still unemployed. I am relived to be away from the evil that was Super One Foods, but yet, my life is no better than before. I was supposed to get hired back at one of my old jobs, but that fell through due to administrative bumbling. The classifieds are bare of everything but REALLY bad jobs, or ones i'm not qualified for. The couple applications I turned in went unnoticed. I don't even know what I'd like to do. I don't have any definite dreams and I'm not good at any one thing. The money ran out a while ago, and now I have no phone and my internet is about to get turned off. Yay.

My depression has reached depths I never thought it would go. I feel like I'm not capable of living life. I feel that my existence doesn't mean anything and it never will. Don't know how to handle it all and not quite sure what the point would be. I've struggled with stuff like this before but it's never all came to a point like this. I have fantasized about suicide for the first time. I feel like i've come to a dead end.

There's lots of factors to it. Family life could be better for one. I've felt like the 3rd wheel of my family for years. My dad has never liked me very well; we get along fine, but he has no interest in me or what i do. All the family activities are centered around the kids. I feel that my siblings resent me. I have to keep most of my interests to myself cuz no one shares them. I'm practically invisible most the time, until someones decides to whine about me not doing enough housework or some crap.

I'm inadept socially. Being homeschooled doesn't exactly help that. I almost never leave my house and I hide from visitors. I refuse to use the phone and Skype gives me the willies. I only have one good friend, and the person is as old as my parents. All my other friends have either gone from my life in some way or are just "acquaintances." I've never had girlfriend, or even just a girl friend. I was in love a girl once, but she actively loathed me. All my relatives live hundreds of miles away and we're either estranged or on shaky ground with most of them. I'm 5 years older than any of my siblings, so even though i love them all, we haven't really bonded much. My awesome mom is my only confidant, but she's sick most of the time..

Sometimes i think I'm developing OCD. Little things can send me flying down anxiety attacks. I can spend an hour fretting over whether my Mac isn't facing straight on my desk. I ritualistically clean my phone and tablet every morning. I sometimes struggle to feel comfortable, like when getting the blankets just right in bed or keeping my clothes straightened. I always feel like theres crud on my hands. Sometimes it's so frustrating I hit my furniture and try to scratch my arms and face.

I'm ashamed that I can't keep a simple job. The grocery store was a measly three days a week, and I couldn't handle it. How lame is that?? Most people my age around here are working 60hrs a week! Now, I don't want to be one of those people, and I don't even need much money, but to fail at working only 3 days a week?? I know I have issues, both physical and mental, but it still makes makes me feel like a horrible person.

I know I'm lazy, always have been. I don't do anything around the house aside from helping with the rent. Going to work is scarier than the horroriest horror movie. I sleep way late. Avoid meals that can't be microwaved. Don't open my room's curtains cuz I'll just be closing them later. Sometimes I get feeling bad about it all, but then again, I don't think I could live any other way. I often wish I were a hobo back in the depression. I could get used to that life; ride the trains, grow my hair out, be at peace with the earth...

I'm still haunted by the grocery store days. Going for a walk reminds me of walking there. The early hours remind me of leaving for there. When I hear the birds, I want to curse the morning.

I've found that I've been drowning myself out in the worlds of my movies and Netflix shows as a replacement for my own life. And the sad thing is, its preferable. My world doesn't fully seem real anymore.

I'm sorry this post doesn't really have a point, but I needed to get this out there. I've actually had a few pretty good days the last week, but its all been creeping back to me today; and with the march of the bills marching ever nearer, it's not feeling any less hopeless. Today I've been fantasizing about running from it all and hitchhiking to St. Paul or somewhere and not leaving a trace, but then I realize theres nothing out there for me anyway. So this is my shout into the darkness.