Hi tealBumblebee,

I am sorry you're struggling so much
But it's really good that you don't want to.........and you are wanting help

With your T.........if there's something holding you back from telling her perhaps you could talk to her about that??? e.g. "I want to talk more with you but I feel you might..........."
or maybe you could "break the ice" by saying "Sometimes, I feel/think.............." and disclose little by little from there, it may be easier than you're thinking (obviously not easy but easier).
Another way in..........maybe you could tell her about some of the things you've talked about on crisis chat and what they've said??? A little less alone in it then??? Or perhaps try writing some things down for her???
And use crisis chat as much as you need to

Looking for reasons not to..........when things are real hard sometimes the "bigger" reasons can seem meaningless like for some it might be they "love their family", they "have dreams of trying for......." in their future..........so sometimes it can be about finding smaller (sometimes really small) reasons not to for today/this week.........and then tomorrow/next week..........until you can build/find more of that hope maybe through yourself, maybe through support from others.
But you already believe it's possible to find that in trying to allow yourself time for that, which is great!!!
Because hope can be there just the other side of the way you're feeling, it might be real hard to get there.........but you know it is possible, right??!! And you do deserve to get to that point. You do deserve the time and the help it takes to get there.
So keep on reaching out, hey?? Including to us!!

But I've just got to say........the gathering the things you need..........you're maybe not seeing them now in the clarity you would if you were to decide you were definitely going to use them.........so maybe right now theoretically not so much of a problem as you don't want to..........but you know feelings can sometimes completely take over, right??
So please, for your safety, could you consider getting rid of them?? And one by one if you need to???

How you're feeling now is based on what your going through now, not on how you might be feeling in the future with time, help, support. So don't let now take away/steal those possibilities, hey??
And again...........So keep on reaching out, hey?? Including to us!!

Alison