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cashart10 · Jun 26, 2015, 03:38 PM

Hey!

I want to use this to explain, vent, and update my experiences with IOP.

Today was great. It is a much better IOP than the other hospital's IOP that I have twice attended. It was a small and therefore fairly intimate room where I (imagine that!!!) had no problem sharing. I gave them a lesson in bipolar disorder and, mostly, psychosis because they asked me many questions.

Group ended heavily because we ended on a discouraging note but overall it was a positive experience.

Possible trigger:

I know I can't share personal stories but I think this is fine since it is about no actual person. There was someone there who said that anyone who checked that they were suicidal on the check-in sheet was just looking for attention. I explained how, just this past Tues, when I had slept hardly a wink the night before, I resolved to take my life. However, I didn't really want to die (although because of my heightened anxiety and my irrational brain, I had EVERY intention of doing so that very evening). Because I knew I didn't really want to die, I told my husband. He kep me safe all night and stole all of the "methods" he was aware of (I was impressed, actually). It wasn't a cry for attention; I was simply terrified of myself and my own mind. I think I may have made this person upset but this person's perspective irritated me. Things like this check-in sheet can be a discreet wasy of saving a life.

Now that I have started this journey, my concern is, is this a waste of time; my concern is am I strongly burdoning my family for the next four weeks for no reason at all?. What affect can group therapy possibly have on psychotic and suicidal thinking? Four weeks of three daily hours of sanity? Is that all? My pdoc and therapist both encouraged this. They are confident that it may empower my mind. And, they believe I can conquer this mess of suicidality and psychosis through the tried an true method of intensive therapy. I'm not so sure. You can call me pessimistic (and probably are) and a complainer but now that I am doing this, I think, how is this going to prevent me from hearing voices? How is this going to dilute thoughts such as

Possible trigger:

"I am going to hell regardless so I may as well take my life now by my own hand."

How is this going to combat my largest struggles? What do you think? Am I being a pessimist for no reason?