Good for you for going back!! That is a feat in itself, and you should feel proud about that. Being a cat person myself, I completely understand how devastating it would feel to lose any of them. Try to stay focused on the good you're doing for them, and don't let this person make you feel bad for what is a normal reaction. Also, don't feel bad for taking the Ativan. I take it myself to take the edge off things, and it's not gonna mess up your life if you need to take it sometimes. Hugs to you and the kitties.