Thank you so much for your replies. You are so kind. It feels helpful to be understood. Yes, I do journal and I do find it helpful. I cant phone, but she did give me her e mail, but I don't like to bother her....well....maybe....I'll see! What really worries me is the dependency I seem to have. What happens when it all ends. Is it good to feel this away about somebody who can never really be part of your life. ? I will keep posting, so look out for me....pleasssee! Thank you again for being there.