Thank you
I was talking to my mom about the move a bit today (and by "bit", I mean 2 sentences). I thought I would tell her that I will miss her and her critters (I'm hugely an animal person). And her response was rather flippant (I can't totally remmeber it, but the sentiment felt very much along the lines of "get the **** out already!"). I know she doesn't deal well with emotion, but... yeah. Any hope I had of her not totally meaning her comment a few weeks ago vanished (she had admitted to me that she has no emotional connection to anyone or anything as a defense mechanism. I will try to accomplish the same thing often, but I just never admit to any connection (it's very nuch there and I feel a lot for people I care about). at first I thought she was doing the same thing. I'm not so sure today). I wanted to call T when I heard that. It's hard enough to move and feel like all of this is a death over & over again. I don't need the reminder that my mom couldn't care less if I was here or not...
The csa memories are loud again too... only T knows about those. They are so triggering. I wish I could talk to T more about my fears around those memories and having to go back to live with my wife who is expecting to be intimate. ugh...
How do you untangle the anniversary of an old loss from the current losses? My aunt (who was like a mom) died July 7th 21 years ago. Last year a T and I ended the beginning fo July. This year, most recent T and I ended just last week (and she reminded me a ton of my aunt)... I don't know how not to feel all those as one. And I don't know how to just rely on myself for this transition.
I really miss T already. And it feel so stupid, because I only saw her for about 5 months. I shouldn't have gotten so attached to her. I shouldn't have let my guard down and trusted her or felt safe with her. I knew it was going to be short...
I dunno. Sorry. I'm totally rambling and not really making any sense.