hi unhappyteacher
when i saw the line about "i can never be fixed" i thought this would be easy to answer because i dont know how many times i have said that, but then this didnt turn out to be a mental health question. but then i can still identify with your issue. in a way. did you ever get the message that no man would ever want you? that was the message i got from my mom most my life, because i was overweight. so i took whoever expressed an interest cause i figured no one else would want me and had a couple really bad relationships. traumatic abusive relationships. so now i have been alone for a very long time. ive lost weight to where i am now an xl, but i am tall, but i still feel no one would ever want me. that message is pretty much ingrained in me. but after the bad relationships i enjoy the freedom i have in making my own choices. i like watching whatever i want on tv, making whatever i want for dinner or not making dinner at all, going to bed whenever i want and moving around in bed as much as i want, cleaning or not cleaning, not being yelled at, coming and going as i please, spending money on whatever i want. when i start feeling down about being alone, i think about giving all that up and it changes my mind really quick...lol. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome