Quote:
Originally Posted by Justagir1
Thanks everyone for the replies - I really appreciate your help.
Im struggling so much with this. This time last year I thought I was a normal girl, having a hard time. I started councelling thinking I just need a month or two to rant and get stuff out my system and everything would be fine.
A year on, and my whole life has been turned upside down. Im being flooded with thoughts (I refuse to call them memories until I am 100% sure they really are memories), my family and I are estranged, Im in a new job, and Ive lost 35lbs without even trying.
My T refuses to diagnose, so although we talk about my issues with dissociation quite openly, he has never once said I have DID. I've read so so so much, and Im so confused. DID would 'make sense' of so much of my life. From a distance, knowing me, and understanding DID and everything clicks in to place. Im pretty much textbook.
But when I really think about it. Really try and 'feel' it, I just think Im normal, but a bit attention seeking. The main reason is this whole alter thing. Its just such a bizarre concept, the whole thing just seems too unbelievable. And I don't 'hear' voices. I mean sure, I have 8000 completely contradictory opinions on pretty much everything. I find it impossible to decide what to eat, or how to decorate the house, or how to behave. And of course, I do lose time, find work I don't remember doing, have people know me I don't know, and regularly feel like the exorcist my head is spinning so fast. But I can't name my sources of differing opinions, or age them, or describe what they look like. It feels like me, just a me that can't decide how to be. And when my head is filled with arguments and conversations, I don't 'hear' them. It feels like my thoughts, I just can't agree with myself. I certainly can't converse with them, and when Ive tried ---- tumbleweed.
Im so close to just stopping therapy, forgetting any of this ever happened, block out the thoughts and carry on with normal life. This is all way too much to take on board. Or it would be. If it wasn't for the little girl in the woods. I keep getting these images of her hiding, keep sensing her emotions. Is she my imagination? Is she real? If she's real (and I can't believe Im even contemplating this as being a possibility) why can't I converse the way you guys do? Why won't she 'talk' to me, and why can't I 'hear' her. I keep finding myself doing things to make her happy, and then I feel completely and utterly insane.
I don't want to be a mad woman! I just want to be a normal person. I hate this so much.
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i was once told (and i think also from myself) that if something feels real, it is real to you.
i have struggled with the same thing of feeling like it's made up, i'm crazy, etc. when it's not actively happening (dissociating, feeling the other parts, and more rarely now hearing them), i can easily forget it ever happened/happens....but when it does happen again, i'm quickly reminded that it is very real.
because now i don't experience it daily, it's easier for me to forget about it. but when it does happen, it makes it complicated because it's part of the reason i isolate and don't have a significant other (well, more than 'just' that reason). but because i fear it being triggered in general (or triggering) situations with people, i tend to just be alone.
unlike you, i haven't experienced missing time, at least not in that same way. there is always a small part of me mixed in with the others, and while it happens, i kind of am still there and know what is going on, but when it lessens, my memory is fuzzy. i don't have things like you either where i find things i don't remember doing...so every person's experience i think can be different too.
i am confused with my actual diagnosis because i saw 'probable DID' but was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder which has now changed to more dissociative stuff with anxiety and OCD...which i have no idea what that even means.
but internal communication can be difficult. it won't always (if ever) happen how you would like, unfortunately. just try to be patient as hard as that is.