I feel enormously blind-sided and hurt.

My T and I had a really difficult few months, which almost resulted in my T referring me out, but we both felt like we had a breakthrough, right when things were about to explode, and we have been re-connecting. I really love my T and feel powerfully attached to her. To me, she’s the mother I never had.

But I feel very hurt because, recently, it seems like everything is changing.
1. She used to promise that she wouldn’t leave me. Now she says that she shouldn’t have made that promise – that she made it with good intentions, and she wanted to be able to keep it, but she can’t make promises like that to me.
2. When my T went on vacation last year, she touched base with me over the phone TWICE – her offer – and even spontaneously texted me on my birthday (it fell during her vacation). She did forget to call at the appointed times, though, and she said that in order to avoid that in the future, we’d have to brainstorm to come up with a better system. The implication was that we would continue to keep in touch over vacations. But this year, leading up to her vacation, she didn’t say anything about touching base. I brought it up myself, thinking maybe she just forgot, and it turned out that she’d actually changed her mind entirely – behind my back, didn’t discuss it with me, didn’t think to tell me about it at all. I felt very hurt…and she did apologize to me. She said that she understood why how she handled it was hurtful.
3. But NOW, something else has changed! In the past, I could always ask my T for a longer session if I felt I needed it. We pro-rated the fee. It was always the sort of thing where, if she could do it, she was happy to – and if she couldn’t, she at least had the decency to seem sorry about it. I have been feeling increasingly depressed this week, and I wanted extra support. One 45 minute session didn’t feel like enough. We couldn’t coordinate a time for a second session, so I asked if we could do one hour-long session instead. I asked over email yesterday. And she just replied to me, with a single sentence: “I think, unless there is a specific reason to have an extended session, it is important to stick to the 45 minute session.”

???????

Now there is suddenly a new rule that we can’t have extended sessions? Unless there’s a “specific reason”?

I didn’t originally tell her that I was struggling. I didn’t want to bother her with all of that. I was just asking for extra support, and was going to tell her about how I was feeling at the session. Now I’ve emailed back and indicated that I asked because I’m struggling…but I feel so ANXIOUS! What if that’s not good enough of a “specific reason”? Why is this suddenly an issue?! She’s the one who first suggested that we could do hour-long sessions, or even double sessions!

Now I'm freaking out that maybe she's going to be angry that I emailed her about my ~feelings on a weekend. It wasn't a long email, just a few sentences, but still. It's not something I do all the time, but there was never a "rule" against it. But what if that's suddenly an issue, too?

I am so confused. What on earth is going on? I know that no one here can answer that question for me. I’m just lost. I hate how much power my T has to hurt me. I can't stop shaking.

I could use some support please.